Silent words..

I’ve stopped my words, i can’t stop my thoughts. They’re still there, rushing, pausing, bothering but not expressed. I’ve put a stop to saying everything that comes to my mind. I am scared of my thoughts sometimes but why i’m doing this is so different. I’m honest, my thoughts are honest but if it dosen’t matter to those who listen to them, they are a waste.

I’ve not realised why, but im sad. Sad to just want this. Sad to want to stop my words to live and be out there. Its not me. I know. but im happy that if this makes me less hurt, less angry and any less of a brutally honest person.. then im happy.

lets see how long can i keep these thoughts to myself. maybe after a while they will die. not come to me at all coz i kill them.

these words are silent and dead..not heard anymore.

The Student Life..

It suprises me how much I miss my student life. It has jus been few months since I started working and now I miss the life I so wanted to get out of. This becomes even more of a shock when I realize that throughtout the college all I did was curse it( i even do now).

Its the time I miss, the days of endless chatter(not that I chatter less now, but its different), its the endless hopes, those so far but yet so achievable dreams, the lazy days and late nights.

Its true that now I feel I have a purpose but that looking for a purpose was lot of fun too..the search with no conclusion was fun too.

So all you people still in college ,..get out there and live every moment of it. Coz this is what you will miss.

Its not why I am here….

I jus found another emotion. Anger!( i found it years ago but have actually nailed it this time!)

I was in office and got a word from my team head( hate to call her that) regarding my behavior. She thinks i need to learn the corporate ways and I’m not doing that. (FYI: I am the best performer in the team and apart from a few little arguments haven’t had much trouble around here.) anyways thats wen i felt this pang of anger. Like i should hit her in the face hard and tell her to F*** Off! obviously i couldn’t do that and now after the entire day has passed i realize that it’s not what i am here for!.. its so not!

I come here to do a job! work, make an effort and get paid for that!. and thats it!. the fun and enjoyment can serve as a bonus but the anger will make it worse.

I find that from all the stressful, heartbreaking and troubling situations we put ourselves into most of them are not for us, they don’t serve the purpose we are for, they don’t make sense and don’t deserve our attention and reaction.

With all that blood burnt over hatred and disgust, self or others.. it really doesn’t lead anywhere. What do we do wen stuck at something that just makes you go blind and feel like that(hated one) would be a punching bag and you the boxer?. just ask yourself..is this why i am here???

and within no time you will realize that its all in vain. You might be right. You might have got cheated or insulted. But thats what others are doing.. and what you are here for is not based on them and their actions.

So never let anyone be a reason for being where you are… find your reason to be and remember it! coz if you loose your reason to be here then you will loose it all!

I need ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!

My life for the past one year has all been around my one and only friend(at that time ws the only friend, now i have got couple of them). I met him through my boyfriend(now ex) and since then we’ve hit it off totally. I never knew how different he was, it was not that he was different but just that i was different around him, maybe because i had just lost a friendship and was regretting it so bad that i put all the good thin=gs into this new friendship that i found. for instance.. I usually don’t give people time to open up to me.. i get bored, but with him all i did was waited patiently. I am so rude and bad mouthed wen i don’t agree, but i never felt like saying mean things to him(except once which as his fault). I don’t forgive people easily but i tried so hard to forgive him( for hitting on me n thinking of taking a chance) and yes i did. It all haunted me for sometime but i tried so hard to not to give up on him..

he’s like my best friend. we talk about almost anything and everything and this new year he did something really bad. We were out for the new year party and i had given up alcohol for the past few months and decided to drink just today. i got high  and totally out( which happened many times earlier also. n he uaually takes care of me n never anything wrong has happened) and he took me back to hisd place( as i was not in a state to go back home) and i have no memory of all this. the next thing i know is he’s all over me, this too i didn wake up . i was in a haze when i found something was going on and as soon as i realized what i started crying(which i don’t know y).

Thank god! i dont remember what all happened as i wasnt conscious or i wouldn’t have been able to look him in the face also. but i asked him what happened and he said that since i was also participating he thought i agreed to all that was happeneing. he has had such experiences in the past also with a few other girls.He also told me that the reason why it happened was his being drunk but he also said dat he knew it was me and he was aware of what he was doing. one of my male friends said dat this can never happen. If u like/ adore/ respect a girl a decent guy would never start any thing if the girl is not conscious…but i really dont know why he did it..n he has no ohter reason..

beyond this point still being friends with him is like leaving my self respect and not being friends is so hurtfull( he was a gr8 friend!.he took care of me an everything).

All icould guess was that there can be only two reasons for his actions:

1. either he really likes me( i know he adores me n also know dat i hate even the thought of us being anything else) n has fantasizes about me many times.. so he might be thinking it is just another dream.. but who does dat to someone you like. there has to be a concent of the ohter person before you dtart owth anything.

2. he has no respect for me n all this while considering him my best friend i was afool. n he’s a jerk n would have even gone furthur had i not woken up. but then we have been in this same situation so many other times… so y didn he try something then.

I am so confused….can someone please help me here and tell me what s happening.. its so hurting not be friends with him anymore…. SOME ADVICE PLEASE!!!