With a heavy heart..

Yesterday night my heart felt so heavy. I didnt’ know why, just like most of the times. When I don’t know what’s troubling me I usually think about all the things that happened that day, all the thoughts that crossed my mind and all that i did, see or hear. Well i couldn’t sit down with all that yesterday as I had to sleep and had work in morning, but now I want to write all of it so I know why I felt what i did.

1. I had a fight with my so-called- best-friend ‘S’. A group of my aquantaices had plans for last Saturday and S called and said to plan something up. So I included her into my plans and we all went out. i made arrangements for her pick and drop and everything. she also dragged her younger sister along. Then at the party my sis(part of my friend circle) started flirting with a cute guy, she wasn’t making out or anything but she only danced. after the party i got S and her sis dropped back home and made sure they ate something and all that. the next day i get to know S’s sister had made pathetic comments on my sister. How dare she! this got me so pissed and i called S and told her that her sis has said so and so and I’m hurt about that. she told that she had no idea about it all and she will talk to her sister and get back to me. she called me but i missed the call and from then we haven’t spoken. I sent her a MSG saying to call before leaving( that is 2mrw) and if not than thanks for the welcoming visit. Since then I’m not sure about what i did was right or not and all that. But the whole thing sucks. and moreover I didn’t feel any connection to her, u know that warm bonding wasn’t there. Even though we partied all nite we didn’t speak for 5 minutes.

HISTORY:BTW S works in another city  and is home for 2 weeks. We used to best friends in college until we had a big fight and didn’t speak of a year and half. Then I gathered the courage to talk to her again and we decided to be friends again. this getting together happened only after she had left the city and I have met her only once since then. This time she came for a long holiday so we thought we could catch up n stuff. But like always she wants me to make all the arrangements and all she does is complain and make excuses. and i also realized that she’s not very much eager to meet me either wen she comes, she always has something or the other to do and I’m always trying to make plans work.

2. I saw these street kid begging at a crossing and he had an infant with him. he himself was 4-5 years old and although  I know its nit a very rare site in India but my heart felt a pinch. I know I want to help them, these street kids but I’m not just getting started. I’m making my own family stable and I’m guilty that all I’m doing is feeling sorry.

3. Thoughts about my male friend ‘A’ also filled my mind. Sometime back I had got ot know that he had feelings for me and then I kept such a distance from him. Sometimes I htink he cares too much about me but i hate the idea of him feeing anything but friendship for me. These thoughts are not nice. I don’t like them, he’s my friend and after all the mistakes he made and i forgave himhe couldn’t do this to me. I cannot bear the thought of him liking me and whenever i remember all that i doubt does he still the same?’ . all of this in spite him ever telling anything to me directly and i got to know from a common friend. Why can’t friends just be friends?  

I slept with a heavy heart and couldn’t sleep well. I ole up at 3am and started having a headache since then. It lasted even half through the morning. I’ve also not been sleeping well past couple of weeks and its troubling me. maybe its coz i don’t exercise anymore  and that’s another thing i need to sort out.