In love with ideas.

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this in an of my earlier blogs or not, which means I have quite a few written down and yes it have been a year since i started blogging, which is equal to the time i started writing (had lot of free time then).

Anyways, so I was saying that ‘I am in love with ideas’, ideas of ‘being a particular way’, ‘living a kind of life’, ‘having a kind of fun’, ‘having some type of friends’, but I’m not open to it all being true or you can say I don’t have the courage to turn those ideas to reality. So here are the ideas i’m in love with and what i fell about them if they came true.

‘being a traveller’  – but i don’t htink i would be up for such a life coz i like stability, changes make me nervous and out of control.

idea of ‘having many friends’ and ‘keeping busy with them’ – am not sure i could take many friends and all good ones, i tend to care too much, at times also scold and boss, and I’m not sure how popular that would make me.

idea of ‘running in a park n listening to great music’ – running i like, but a park will make me nervous, first because not many people here do that, they only walk, finding such a place would be difficult, music also i like, but i don’t have an ipod or music phone and song election will take time. But I’m sure this one is very similar to my running on the treadmill in the gym, actually yes it is  . OK this idea i did achieve somewhat.

idea of ‘being friend with my guy’ – not sure if i want a guy right now, and i think i cling to ones i care about, that makes me possessive and jealous and all that. I have learnt the lesson on how becoming too dependent one kills you and  would love to make this real someday.

idea of ’sitting peacefully with coffee mug and reading a novel on a rainy day’ - i don’t take coffee, i think it’s not very healthy and can’t get myself to take too much of it. reading ? yes i love that . so this is partially true.

idea of ‘being carefree person’ – i think i care too much about ’the person i portray to be’, to be carefree. I   think about how ‘i should’ and not just be what i am. just realised this is not very  nice. I’m at ease at few places only (home), rest i am all about what i should.

idea of ‘being into adventure sport’ – but still haven’t found out if i have the courage tobe there and take the risks.

 many moer ideas that keep coming to me.. and while jotting all this down few important realizations have come my way, a major one is not knowing if i have the ‘courage’ it takes to live these ideas. 

Maybe the only way to learn, is to be there and find out. Hope i do that one day.

My JAZZ experience so far.

I joined jazz dance classes about seven weeks back and mine is the weekends batch, which means Sunday-3hr class. The first month was basically all about learning, forgetting, feeling stupid, wanting to do it all perfect in one go but never the less exciting. It was all so new and fresh. More than the dance itself the feeling of ‘learning something new’, giving yourself time and ‘wow! jazz dance’ consumed me and made me all smiles. Even in the class when we would do the dance and  my instructor would ask to bring some attitude to the moves, I would be smiling to myself just looking at myself in the mirror an i was all teeth (just realised it might be looking silly to others, who cares!). Btw the studio has an entire wall of glass which is wow! now you see what i mean, everybody knows and understands that dance studios have glasses on walls, but seeing yourself there, a part of it all is WOW!  I won’t lie, but i did feel out of place, not because i don’t know dance, i love dance, but my thoughts did run into ‘its only for skinny people’,NOW I’m not a fat, but I’m not skinny either. I’m just fine with a few extra inches here and there. But then I did realize that even this is a way of staying fit, learning about your body, pushing your limits and mostly its about ‘attitude’. So i let those negative thoughts leave me asap and put my heart into the dance.

Now its the second month( only one more class to go) and I feel much more into the dance, more than the steps I’m focusing on the techniques, i remember the moves much easily and I’m somewhat portraying a attitude of a dancer, I’m feeling like a dancer. And being me, ‘the dedicated’, ‘never give up’, ‘committed to what i put my head and heart into’, person I’ve always being practicing. Its getting better and I’m feeling it. I even got a compliment from one of my batch mates( not a guy, so must be genuine ) and also from my trainer. I think its great fun and although I haven’t made friends as i thought i would, i have found my place in the jazz world.

Hope to keep leaning more of this great dance form.

“Spouse is your life” is a defaut setting in Indian women.

I am a 23 year old smart and independent girl. If you ask me ‘what kind of partner would you like in your life?’ then my first thought is my independence, individualism, career plans and current responsibilities should not depend on him. I should be able to ‘be me’ and still connect with him rather than loosing my identity and becoming what he wants.

But this is all talk. I had fallen prey to the ‘default thought and thinking of Indian women’ that has been followed in Indian culture, according to which ‘your husband is the center of your life’ and ‘ you should do all in your power to make him happy’. I did not exactly get married, but in many ways almost did. I committed myself to a BF in college and before I knew it I was always thinking of how to make things work with him, his family and what will life be after marriage. It was like my brain went on ‘Automatic Pilot’ mode and said I know what to think of now ‘HIM only’. I didn’t even remember what all I wanted ou of my life. Every event, everything i wanted was all dependent on him.

Now that I think about it, it was such a deteriorating state of mind and I will never repeat this again. Never loose my individualism for any other individual. Not that I will not be in a relationship/marriage ever, but I will never forget myself in them.

Its strange but true, we’ve seen our mother, grandmothers, aunts and almost every women around us build her life around her spouse and it has been set into our minds that this is how it is. But no more, not for me, not for the next generations to come. It is so important to hold onto yourself and while change is a part of life, so is ‘unique identity’. You should never have to be introducing yourself wihtout knowing who you are to yourself. I want to keep ‘me’ alive, my dreams, aspirations, hobbies and all that ‘I’ am now and today.

And companionship to me still means ‘care and trust’ but on both ends, love is a still ‘love to die for’ but not ‘love to give up your life for’.

Hope to find what I’m looking for and more, someday..but not today

How do feel about your Ex??

History: I had a boyfriend in college, we were together for 3 years. He was a simple person and that’s what attracted me to him. He was kind and nice. When i started dating him I forgot all my friends and my life’s objective became to do everything make  a future with him perfect. Sadly, the simplicity did not attract me anymore and I became more aware of his non-passionate and dull side. Since i was the fun part of the relationship and was putting more that 100% into it, i expected something from him also. He was too laid back, non – ambitious, too tight lipped in front of his parents and not daring enough to be with me. I did love him, but i soon realized that i had loved the wrong guy. He was too dull for me and i wasn’t happy. i left him(it wasn’t mutual) and whenever I told him I can be there as a friend he took a chance a getting back with me, this made him so irritating that I had to cut all contacts from him. He still calls me like once in 3-4 months and i don’t fell good about it either.

That’s about what happened.

Now the thing is that I detest any thought of him, not that i miss him but it all seems to be the biggest blunder of my life. I feel that if i could just go back n erase him from my life. I’m again saying that i am not still in love with him. I feel ‘eeuuck’ about my decision, like ‘how could i choose someone so unrepresentable, dumb, un ambitious, without self respect, no daring??’. its not nice to say these things but it is the truth. I Kinna feel he was way below what i deserved and i shouldn’t have been with him and felt so much for him. Well now that its all over, i really don’t care, but i just wanted to know that does everyone feel like this about their ex’s??

My week off from work.

Last week, as we already had a holiday for Friday, so i took the days from Monday to Thursday off and that made it 9 days away from work in total. ) ( but i had to apply for the leaves, give reason and pretend it was something i couldn’t miss, then give training to who was supposed to take care of my work while i was gone). Anyways, i had planned on taking a family trip, asit had been long overdue, but it turned out that my mom had to attend to few of her family matters for my grandparents an all, so she was not home practically the entire week. We kids has a blast at home. Nothing great, but just the chilling out, sleeping at late wee hours, getting up at noon, ordering food, then watching TV, chatting, not bathing, I missed these activities and now i dd catch up on them. I’m very much regular at work and now completing 1 year of working I realized I had never done this before. So it was FUN!

I’m back to work today and its nice to. I’m feeling good about it, coming back to my desk, responsibilities and hey by next week i might also be joining an NGO for voluntary work with Street kids, so I’m all happy about that too.

So that was my week off, simple, lazy, fun and chilling!

Updates..

Hey there. Didn’t pull out time for updates here and neither did i get time to think much.

All is going good, shifted into a new house, its good but little expensive,but I’m sure my sis is gonna get a heavy cheque job soon and its all gonna be fine. The place is really cool, its on 3rd floor, so everyone is hoping to shed few kilo’s except my bro (he’s skinny already) , its got this large open space ahead that is half covered, so we’ve set up a a nice seating arrangement there, it looks like an open cafe and with the rain pouring these days, its the perfect place to relax with a coffee mug, watching the rain. WOW! this seems to be getting better and  better as I explain huh?

Work has been busy and I’m happy about that. I am still going for my dance classes on weekends, so now I’m being referred to as the ‘older batch people’ ( along with my batch mates), sounds really good. I’m thinking of continuing for long time and trying to reach higher levels (they have 6 levels and I’m in the beginners). Its nice, i always wanted to learn something and now that I am I don’t just want to be a summer hobby Kinna thing, i really want to learn it.

Apart from all that, nothing much, still setting and settling into the new home. Hope everything goes fine

cheers!