Could I be a loner??

In the last 23 years of my life, there have been but few instances that I found myself surrounded by a group of people, talking, chatting, laughing and actually living that moment. Now of course we are leaving out the family here coz your family cannot be counted as part of you social crowd, they mean much more. I remember in school, i used to be my sister’s tail and follow her around, I hadonly one good friend at a time and maybe two maxed for small durations. I even remember myself sitting alone in the ground while my sister was having a good time witha  bunch of kids, i would blankly look around, walk around and sit there ‘alone’. its kind of weird, coz adults i know get weird and have weird reasons to be alone for space, thinking and all reasons which can be understood by only the person who is giving those reasons, but children are always around children, if not playing then fighting(which i did a lot!) or something or the other. But children don’t be alone.

If I look at my so called little social life right now, its pretty much the same, I only have one good friend at a time , a not by my choice situation. Its difficult to have s many important people in your life and then knowing exactly who is how much important and when who takes the priority and your time and who doesn’t. Not that I had to go thorough all this deciding many times, but yes a few and even imagining it boggles me. I have more than I can remember moments of being alone, walking alone, sitting alone. I have hardly made any new friends since school, two of count. I go to parties( mostly with my sister) and meet people but have not actually made friends, even my sisters friends are not my friends. I’ve tried hard to bond, take the first step, make a connection, understand what they are saying , but have not quite made it. Either they got on my nerves or I failed the patience to listen to utter crap(according to me that is).

So I thought am I loner kina person? those type who like to live by themselves and enjoy alone and are happy with all the time they spend with themselves only. I don’t think so, because there is  one important thing to mention here, during all those lonely moments, i have always wanted company, never been happy by myself sitting in the corner and watching others. i always longed for a group of people who knew who I was, loved me , cared for me, hated me, made fun of me and just were there with me. Even today, in those alone times, i wish i have some people, not one special person, but friends you know, someone you can call and chat, who call you and chat and who know me and i know them.

 There is only  one time exception in my life for all the above facts, that was last four years of school. I  had a group of friends and yes I was close to them and I am still in touch with the good best pals. thought we don’t talk so often and all but yes we still connect.

Music soothes me.

I knew I was fond of music, but realized sometime back that it also works on another level for me. It really soothes me, it gives me that block form everything else around, it engrosses me to a level i don’t remember anything else.

It also works as my distraction technique.  But sometimes drowns me into the past travelling through time. I used to try and keep track of all the latest and try and follow my sister , who btw thinks she has the ‘best choice’ in the world and refuses, mind you REFUSES to even believe that others tastes could be the ‘best choice’ to them. I would get annoyed when she was so updated about all the hip songs and artists.  I tried so hard to keep with trying to be in her shoes, but baby they were so large i kept falling again and again. Then I got out of the boots and listened to whatever i felt like, sometime experimented and downloaded new albums of unheard artists, a few times listened to her playlist and mostly played whatever I liked (in no sequence whatsoever).

I love music in general and have learnt that there is actually no ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’ music, its all about perception.

So I’m thinking getting an ipod would be a good idea. Time to start saving!

”Of course I love You…! TILL I FIND SOMEONE BETTER”

”Of course I love You…! TILL I FIND SOMEONE BETTER”by Durjoy Dutta & Maanvi Ahuja.

It all about life in an Engineering college in India( more closely Delhi). Durjoy Dutta is an Engineering college graduate from 2008 batch (just like me). Its nice to people find other stuff interesting like me and actually reach to make it a reality.

Sobbing in Dreamz?

Yesterday again( coz i remember mentioning this not long time back), I was crying in my dreams, not the crying that we do in this world, but a more of crying from your heart. The feeling is so intense, its like you have something stuck there, you can feel it with every breath, its hurting but its not a type of pain. Its more like a suffocation, wanting to release something and you’re trying so hard to let it go, but its just not leaving you. It feels like there a knife in your heart (not that I know what that feels like) but something that is there and so hurting.

It has been a few times I’ve dreamt like this. Wondering if it actually means something? I have a feeling it says something about my subconscious mind and somehow about what I feel deep inside. But I’ve been happy lately. So why the sobbing dream?

Sinking ships.

There is something very sad about ending of any relationship.

Few ships in my life that have sinked or on he verge of it are:

1. Friendship #1:

The history, the recent and now we’re those kina friends that hardly talk, or when feel like calling up, have hundred doubts of what the other person might say, pick up the call or not andeven though we understand each other so well, its just some X element that is making it difficult. I called her yesterday and said there was no need to make it so formal, i undersand that you didn’t wana talk and I’m fine ( we hadn’t spoken since the last argument). It was hard, but i had to let go. I told that it doesn’t make sense that i call you my friend but you’re never there. So i don;t want to hope for a friend that wants to be away and all this is making it only more hard. Lets just forget about it and you go your way while I’ll go mine. She was a bit hesitant i could sense, but she said that after so much happening and yet another same incident, she felt nothing about it all. She didn’t want to talk and discuss about what happened and sort it as she lacked the emotional capacity for it. Fine with me i said. I thought in a way she was right, while an argument being fresh and having to sort it out means you do go talking for hours on rubbish stuff and dis out old stuff too. In that way i think it was ok. But the distance has made the friendship dead. Its not ignorance that makes it live, its sharing and understanding, and when even one of the two in the ship feel like they want to escape the ’sorting it out’, then your ship is sinking for sure. I told her that I am fine with her not wanting to talk, but keeping that place for her in my heart as a friend but knowing it is empty is difficult. I let go of that anchor and let it sink to the bottom og the ocean where I will never reach. Strangely, she was a bit not so ok with it. I told her she could talk to me whenever she felt like, what i didn’t say was that I will not lookfor you when i need a friend coz you no more occupy the place in my heart.

It was hard but it feels much better now. The cold friendship turning rotten has been released from my end so far.

2. Friendship # 2:

This is the guy that i mentioned i have been friends with and right now i hate him. This I can say has been the most dishonest ship i have been in. i had been friends wih him and constantly doubted him, i thought he liked me and hated that, but could never confront him, he hit on me in the most disgusting way and i told myself i have to learn to forgive people, i tried to be friends with even then with all the hatred in my heart, i said i could forgive him and eventually i did i think. Then we became very good friends and he gained my trust and friendship. Another blunder he did andhe lost all my trust, i tried to keep him a friend out of selfishness( have few friends) and making myself believe that i had to again learn to forgive. But the truth is my heart never forgave him, it kept building this disgusting anger towards him and it would show on and off whenever i remembered of his blunders. I recently have started hating him (again) and this time I’m not going to be dishonest with myself. I cannot forgive him, i just can’t and that is it. To tell him this will be very harsh, so i sideline and start ignoring him. not a very nice thing i know,but its better that carrying hatred in you heart and smile on your face. God how did i do that all this while.

So I’m gona end this friendship also and moveon in life, knowing i did the righthting and truely hope i could forgive him from my heart.