I started blogging when I had too much free time in my office and Internet was the only tool i had to my rescue.
I write whats on my mind. I write for myself, to get the baggage off my chest. I never intended there to be an audience to acknowledge me but when I did few comments coming in I was excited. My thoughts and blogs were read and that felt good. Although yes, without the anonymous identity this would have difficult (no, I’m no celebrity ).
Why do you blog? For yourself? For the audience? Do you sometimes alter work writing thinking that this might not be too interesting to read?
My family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas but yes we do make an effort to make use of the good and valid reason to celebrate. The celebration is sometimes for reasons and mostly without reasons, and in-spite this fact we all are really happy to enjoy a midnight cake piece and some good food and all this is mostly planned by my baby brother, for whom we have slipped many gifts for years with messages from Santa to ’STUDY HARD’ but the only thing that got hard was ‘to make him study’. Now he has grown up and knows it was us and he still loves to decorate the tree and have some fun. So this year was again the same, some cake and goodies and then we watched a Disney movie till late, woke up late the next morning and by mid-noon got out of the house to visit some malls and look at the decorations around.
I did mention that I got an a yearly appraisal and bonus, though haven’t really received it in my account (will on 31st Dec) but yes i told mom she could buy some stuff for herself from the bonus money. She is very fond of ‘DIAMONDS’ and although we were amongst the rich people when dad was around, i don’t know why she didn’t buy them. Anyways, so we went to the mall and were looking around the jwellery counters, we found some really nice earrings and there was some good offers going on so we asked mom to buy the jewellery. She was bit skeptical ( as usual) and said we should think about it and that the money was much more than my bonus amount and we should inquire about the brand and blah blah blah. But me and sis convinced her that all was good and if would do away worth some of her old jewellery that she hardly wears she could take this. She was confused but said yes, so we got her a pair of diamond earrings, a diamond and gold ring (on which we got a great off and looked fabulous on my hand too) and then a free diamond pendant (that we still need to collect, as they were finished with the stock). So she was sooo happy. I think I have been hearing this from childhood, mom would always tell us ” You gonna get mummy Big Big Diamond earnings when you grow up?” and we would say ‘Yes mummy’. She always told that to me, sis and even my brother. I don’t know if it was the materialism that she wanted Diamonds or it was her way of reminding us not to forget about her when we have enough for ourselves. I think she always looked at the materialistic side of it and she didn’t realize that her heart wanted to keep her babies close to her and always love her, i think she still doesn’t realize that how important we are to her, coz she always shows that we are not (except for my brother).
Anyways so we did get her the Big Diamonds earrings ( only one big coz they are average big), even though she had to pool in but feels good to have contribute to that. So i guess this means that we love her a lot even after growing up(I’m not comfortable with that word) being independent.
It clearly surprises me that my mind simply refuses to acknowledge the simplest of actions and reaction, it doesn’t know what is to come naturally and asks me ‘what should it be like?’, then i need to think of how other people react/ act /talk and try to ape the same, but never even actually be like them and am left somewhere in between ’not knowing what type i am’ and ‘trying to be what’.
My brain simply doesn’t generate reactions or actions. Its ‘what should itbe’ that works. Now this is totally contradictory to the fact that I’m an individual to the core. I have my own thinking and perspective, but when it comes to other beings, social interaction, gathering, behavior I’m clueless. I don’t know how to be myself, how to be anyone in front of other human beings (apart from my family).
Is this lack of social interaction, i’ve been in boarding since childhood and never had many friends. Why is it like this?
I was out on Saturday with my friends, well technically with my sis and her friend and her friend’s boyfriend and some of his friends. We went to a nice club, talked. laughed and apart from the fact that none of the boys could dance it was all nice.
I saw this cute guy standing and watching the people dance and had the ‘ i’ll show you what dance is’ look. He was very cute. The first thing that attracted me was obviously his eyes( I’m deadly attracted to guys with a different eye color). He was tall say 5′11, fair, kina rock look on a decent guy type, broad, a little plump but very hot, and his attitude was killer. Phew! anyways so i did give him few glances and smiled at him but he didn’t respond. That is what happens to me mostly but I’m hoping I’m gonna meet someone very soon.
Now this is what I’m talking about ‘Normal behavior’. I still am miles away from the idea of a relationship but yes i do realize that it would be good to date and get some personal attention from cute, decent, handsome, rich guys.
So yes, i am ok with dating now. When, where and how will I find someone suitable enough to ‘only date’ is still to be found.
This usually happens to be, I have ideas, sentences and stories in my head and if i don’t pen them down quickly and give them a second thought then i loose my words or loose interest in them. The thoughts are usually how the will the work be when finished ? will anyone like it ? am i making any sense ? and on.. and on.
I better stop thinking and start writing, as I’m already behind my dream project, well technically not ‘dream project’ coz i don’t remember dreaming about it .
I am not a believer of astrology and stars and birth charts. Somehow the logic isn’t totally convincing. For one, all the astrologers and palmists that my parents visited always said my dad a long life and he’s been gone since 7 years now. This made whatever little belief I had in them also fade away. But yes I do believe in luck and coincidence. I do read the tarot reading section for a particular newspaper as it has turned out right many a times, but i don’t live by it. In the same spirit, i also opted for a free online astrology service and while most of their mails are only advertisements and junk, the ones stating the place and moving of planets have been right few times. The most believable part has been the mail that significantly marked the date 8thaugust in my life to bring an change, accomplishment or achieving something that will be with me for sometime and marked that 10th august will be the complete this cycle of something new. I had got my first job interview on 9th august and got selected on 10th August. I read the mail days after i got selected.
Then just yesterday when I decided that I will complete my first novel in 3 months, then i checked my mail today to find the below mail with DATES mentioned. I received this mail on Monday, 3 November, 2008 8:01 PM
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Dear Nidhi,
November 4th marks a new beginning with the first of five oppositions between Saturn, the planet of authority and experience, and Uranus, the maverick planet of change. From the personal to the collective, we all are faced with the need to build upon experience in some areas of life, while being flexible and open to changes in other areas. The opposition between these two planets represents one of the most important themes we will experience over the next year-and a-half. The dates for these oppositions are: November 4, 2008, February 5, 2009, September 15, 2009, April 26, 2010 and July 26, 2010.
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Just observe that the mail clearly has dates November 4th, then next date is exactly 3 months after i.e February 5th and next is September 15th. So is this a coincidence?? I’m not sure at all. If this is true then I’m guessing that my novel is going to get published by September 15th.
I have always known what i want in my life and my decisions have never been anyone else’s but mine. I think its right and I go ahead with it, no matter what people/family others have to say and if I don’t think its good( not just for me, but in general), then no matter who you are I will not agree (And I keep trying to learn diplomacy ) Anyways, but there’s this part of my life right now where I am struggling with what I take for myself and what I give to my family. I know I am responsible for them and I am sometimes scared of the burden, but I know I will pull through and make them happy. Its this argument of whether I deserve the happiness while i have still not completely made them happy that is making me guilty many times. I know I owe them happiness but does this mean I reject myself . Every time I spend/invest/take time to find some solitude happiness there’s a guilt that they(family) are not enjoying while I am. It even gets down to smaller stuff, like me enjoying my dance classes, spending on gym, while they do not have any such interests but if they did it is hard to think if they could pursue them or not. Now please don’t think that i am a selfish bitch and spend huge amounts on myself, no i don’t. And with the little amount i spend on myself there is a debate if it is justified or not. Why do i question that is it on the cost of my family sacrifices that I am finding happiness. I hate to see myself in these pitiable situations. It makes me sound weird and something that I am not. maybe I don’t know the right words to express this well but this isn’t what i want.
So do I deserve to be happy when I am trying my best to make my family happy. Strangely I know the answer but somehow am unable to make my conscience accept it. I know it takes time for thinks to get better, but am unable to feel that even i am only taking a chance to feel better.
In the last 23 years of my life, there have been but few instances that I found myself surrounded by a group of people, talking, chatting, laughing and actually living that moment. Now of course we are leaving out the family here coz your family cannot be counted as part of you social crowd, they mean much more. I remember in school, i used to be my sister’s tail and follow her around, I hadonly one good friend at a time and maybe two maxed for small durations. I even remember myself sitting alone in the ground while my sister was having a good time witha bunch of kids, i would blankly look around, walk around and sit there ‘alone’. its kind of weird, coz adults i know get weird and have weird reasons to be alone for space, thinking and all reasons which can be understood by only the person who is giving those reasons, but children are always around children, if not playing then fighting(which i did a lot!) or something or the other. But children don’t be alone.
If I look at my so called little social life right now, its pretty much the same, I only have one good friend at a time , a not by my choice situation. Its difficult to have s many important people in your life and then knowing exactly who is how much important and when who takes the priority and your time and who doesn’t. Not that I had to go thorough all this deciding many times, but yes a few and even imagining it boggles me. I have more than I can remember moments of being alone, walking alone, sitting alone. I have hardly made any new friends since school, two of count. I go to parties( mostly with my sister) and meet people but have not actually made friends, even my sisters friends are not my friends. I’ve tried hard to bond, take the first step, make a connection, understand what they are saying , but have not quite made it. Either they got on my nerves or I failed the patience to listen to utter crap(according to me that is).
So I thought am I loner kina person? those type who like to live by themselves and enjoy alone and are happy with all the time they spend with themselves only. I don’t think so, because there is one important thing to mention here, during all those lonely moments, i have always wanted company, never been happy by myself sitting in the corner and watching others. i always longed for a group of people who knew who I was, loved me , cared for me, hated me, made fun of me and just were there with me. Even today, in those alone times, i wish i have some people, not one special person, but friends you know, someone you can call and chat, who call you and chat and who know me and i know them.
There is only one time exception in my life for all the above facts, that was last four years of school. I had a group of friends and yes I was close to them and I am still in touch with the good best pals. thought we don’t talk so often and all but yes we still connect.
I knew I was fond of music, but realized sometime back that it also works on another level for me. It really soothes me, it gives me that block form everything else around, it engrosses me to a level i don’t remember anything else.
It also works as my distraction technique. But sometimes drowns me into the past travelling through time. I used to try and keep track of all the latest and try and follow my sister , who btw thinks she has the ‘best choice’ in the world and refuses, mind you REFUSES to even believe that others tastes could be the ‘best choice’ to them. I would get annoyed when she was so updated about all the hip songs and artists. I tried so hard to keep with trying to be in her shoes, but baby they were so large i kept falling again and again. Then I got out of the boots and listened to whatever i felt like, sometime experimented and downloaded new albums of unheard artists, a few times listened to her playlist and mostly played whatever I liked (in no sequence whatsoever).
I love music in general and have learnt that there is actually no ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’ music, its all about perception.
So I’m thinking getting an ipod would be a good idea. Time to start saving!
).
That is what happens to me mostly but I’m hoping I’m gonna meet someone very soon.
newme