why are parents so difficult most of the times??

I love my mom, a little atleast I think, not as much as my dad but yes little for sure. I’ve been a daddy’s girl always and that’s why when I lost him I felt like an orphan, not literally coz my mom did step up and take care of most of the things but emotionally yes.

Like I’ve mentioned hundreds of times I loved my dad a lot and he loved me the most of all the siblings, atleast between me and elder sis I got the extra love and support, not including my brother coz he actually didn’t spend much time with dad, he was only 5-6 years old when dad passed away (something I should remember everytime I scold him heartlessly). So, he supported all my deeds, covered and ignored all my mistakes, unless they were blunders like this one and only once in my lifetime he slapped me coz I was back talking like a bitch and showing no respect for the man who had sleepless nights making sure I slept well and stood by me all night while we travelled in train to make sure I didn’t fall off the second berth.

After my dad was not around, I didn’t feel connected to my mom at all , rather even when he was around and i was in my rebellious teens I remember not talking to her for complete 2 months  after some bitter argument. There was a connection missing somewhere and in my mind I thought it was because she never fed me (don’t know if that’s the case). I felt so away from her, so distant and emotionally repelled. I never saw her concerned about me if I hurt myself or worried about me at all.

And now that I’m working and supporting the family, we hardly agree on anything at all (apart from cribbing about my sister’s spending habits). I have a own mind and thinking and she’s also got all cranky after the menopause thing and I have a hard time to have a sane 2 sentence conversation with her.

Its so bloody difficult and then I see / hear /read stuff about how mothers are the form of God on earth and feel soo guilty. I want to respect her but she’s lost that coz she was never a mother to me ever but now she’s talking to guys online and answering calls in slow-seducing voice and worst also clicking pictures of herself in low cut tops and sharing with strangers and when we try to stop her she says whats wrong with that I’m not taking money am not a whore.  So there goes the respect.

Then she’s always abusing my dad and that my friends hurts. I have done and said mean stuff to my dad because she pretended to be the innocent lamb and took advantage of my naive growing up mind. I hate her for that.

I try, I truly do and as much as I try to accept that she’s an individual and can believe in different things than myself somehow I can’t forgive her for not being the mother I wanted and still would want. Someone warm and loving. Someone wise and sensible (this one is soo never going to come to her).

Maybe even she had a different idea of a daughter but what she expresses is you should be like those slim and delicate girls and goes on to blaming my dad genes and blood.

I don’t know but I have a very hard time dealing with her. She is my mother, the only parent I have but why is this so difficult.

I either ignore her and keep away or just keep listing to her going on keep holding on to that shield against my heart and try so hard not to let her words from slicing my heart and butchering my emotions. Then there are times I drop the poison on her too and feel so emotionally exhausted coz I know I spit venom I’m angry and then guilty again.

Why can’t she be the nice mother, good and not hunting boys and shaming me? Why doesn’t she be a sensible acting-her-age type mother? Why don’t I connect to her? Why does she always say that her life would be so good if she never had kids with my dad?

It hurts to know you’re unwanted and seen as a regret and that you’re coming to this world has spoiled someones life and you hear it almost everyday. It hurts to hear abuses for the person who cared for me the most and whom i loved the most and now isn’t around to say ‘it’s ok’. It hurts to not have grown to accept the fact of your life. It hurts to still choke up while mentioning my dad after 7 years and still crying alone at nights thinking of him.

It hurts so much and this when it comes from a person I don’t feel connected to.

I guess this is the connection I have with my mother. HURT!

How to forgive?

how do you let go of all the blame when you are still suffering from the after-effects of someone’s mistakes. Is their part over after saying sorry and leaving you in the turmoil of anger and pain and regret and confusion.

How i wish i knew. But being honest on your part does make your raise expectations high from the other one also. So what do i do now? Never be honest again? This hurts!

How do you move-on when in your heart you still blame them for all that happened and that you are suffering. 

Its a burden. On me. I need to learn to let go. 

Help me learn! Please!

Need some inspiration today

I need some inspiration to light up my soul. Something that stays with me like its lighting me up at all times.

 I listen to songs that make me believe in all my dreams. I sing aloud till I understand every word and really feel every word. I do this a couple of times and grow tired. The music starts irritating and the words leave me alone. The inspiration is lost and the feeling gone.

I try to read something that will make me wake up and sit straight. I try. Its not working right now, not for me. 

I need that thing which makes you realize that ‘its you’. That that makes you always be what you want to be and do what you want to do.

I need to believe, I want to believe.

I want to enjoy the cold wind on my cheeks, bring back the hope in my eyes , my heart dancing to the tunes of life and love and to see my dreams coming true. 

Maybe I have been doing ‘what I should’ for too long now, trying to learn how to save taxes like everyone says you should, worrying the hell out of myself about the things that don’t even matter to me, trying to do the ‘right thing’ and ignoring me.

What I need is inside just seems hazy right now. It the superficial that surfaces and is now building layers over me.

I will bring it back and soon. I will not live like dying.

I need me.

Diamonds for mom. :)

My family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas but yes we do make an effort to make use of the good and valid reason to celebrate. The celebration is sometimes for reasons and mostly without reasons, and in-spite this fact we all are really happy to enjoy a midnight cake piece and some good food and all this is mostly planned by my baby brother, for whom we have slipped many gifts for years with messages from Santa to ’STUDY HARD’ but the only thing that got hard was ‘to make him study’.  Now he has grown up and knows it was us and he still loves to decorate the tree and have some fun. So this year was again the same, some cake and goodies and then we watched a Disney movie till late, woke up late the next morning and by mid-noon got out of the house to visit some malls and look at the decorations around.

I did mention that I got an a yearly appraisal and bonus, though haven’t really received it in my account (will on 31st Dec) but yes i told mom she could buy some stuff for herself from the bonus money. She is very fond of ‘DIAMONDS’ and although we were amongst the rich people when dad was around, i don’t know why she didn’t buy them. Anyways, so we went to the mall and were looking around the jwellery counters, we found some really nice earrings and there was some good offers going on so we asked mom to buy the jewellery. She was bit skeptical ( as usual) and said we should think about it and that the money was much more than my bonus amount and we should inquire about the brand and blah blah blah. But me and sis convinced her that all was good and if would do away worth some of her old jewellery that she hardly wears she could take this. She was confused but said yes, so we got her a pair of diamond earrings, a diamond and gold ring (on which we got a great off and looked fabulous on my hand too) and then a free diamond pendant (that we still need to collect, as they were finished with the stock). So she was sooo happy. I think I have been hearing this from childhood, mom would always tell us ” You gonna get mummy Big Big Diamond earnings when you grow up?” and we would say ‘Yes mummy’. She always told that to me, sis and even my brother. I don’t know if it was the materialism that she wanted Diamonds or it was her way of reminding us not to forget about her when we have enough for ourselves. I think she always looked at the materialistic side of it and she didn’t realize that her heart wanted to keep her babies close to her and always love her, i think she still doesn’t realize that how important we are to her, coz she always shows that we are not (except for my brother).

Anyways so we did get her the Big Diamonds earrings ( only one big coz they are average big), even though she had to pool in but feels good to have contribute to that. So i guess this means that we love her a lot even after growing up(I’m not comfortable with that word) being independent.

Our won ways.

A family means to me the people who are connected together, by love & care. A group of people who take care of each other and no matter how wrong you might go are always there to take you back in and always help you.

My family is at a very new place. We were all taught the same values, but now we are branching to make our own values. There is difference in thoughts, gaps in perspectives, everyone has a word of their own and no one wants to listen.

I know we become individuals and take different paths, but the roots are the same, so how come we don’t understand each other any more. I don’t feel good about this. And every time i try i get so angry. I just don’t get them and what they want and need. 

In choosing our own ways of life, we are not able to hold onto each other. It scares me to death that what if someday i don’t recognize them, who they are, and not just me even they. I know I’m a bit stubborn but then i would never want anything but the best for them. Why is it so difficult and why can’t i find security? Maybe coz they are all i have left and i can’t let go. I just hope i know how to take this carefully so that i don’t hurt anyone and all are happy and together.

Amen!

I don’t want to do ‘what i should’

This is like living a life at rent. I keep doing things and the reason behind everything is that ‘I should’ and not that ‘ I want’. Its getting me irritated now.

While I know there are few things that i need to keep doing in spite of not wanting to, like my job and not spend much money, but what about the little things. If all most all the things in your life seem like they are natural it makes me wonder if i have a mind of my own or not. Maybe i like to have all things right and that’s a problem. Sometimes i just want everything to stop, stop until i know what i want and only then life should move on.

I don’t know how to have the politically correct conversation naturally, so i go by what i should say and even that is very difficult coz it makes me feel pretence and unreal and i just hate pretence.

There has to be a way to find peace. I want to be at peace, with myself, with my life, with my mind and heart adn soul.God help me find peace!

Why is it like this?

It clearly surprises me that my mind simply refuses to acknowledge the simplest of actions and reaction, it doesn’t know what is to come naturally and asks me ‘what should it be like?’, then i need to think of how other people react/ act /talk  and try to ape the same, but never even actually be like them and am left somewhere in between ’not knowing what type i am’ and ‘trying to be what’.

My brain simply doesn’t generate reactions or actions. Its ‘what should itbe’ that works. Now this is totally contradictory to the fact that I’m an individual to the core. I have my own thinking and perspective, but when it comes to other beings, social interaction, gathering, behavior I’m clueless. I don’t know how to be myself, how to be anyone in front of other human beings (apart from my family).

Is this lack of social interaction, i’ve been in boarding since childhood and never had many friends.  Why is it like this?

Matters of the heart, of my heart.

With every blog i post in, I’m learning more about myself. its interesting coz as soon as i realize it i own it, i accept it, good or bad i know its me with it.

Something i found recently about myself is that I’m a very vulnerable in all matters of heart. My heart is strong for others but when its about my feelings, its fragile. Its like a flower that blooms and any strong wind forces it to bend and when the wind is gone, the flower does stand up again, but its not the same anymore.

I try to avoid, i try to escape and hide, but to no vail. I still get hurt and cry.  Somehow i think it also makes me feel weak and i hate that feeling, to be dependent on someone else.  I like to believe I’m strong.

I know its not reasonable to live without pain, but the one that cuts your heart is really bad. And in fear of this pain maybe i am stopping something nice too.  I might think it will only bring pain later and not giving it a chance to bring me happiness first.

My fragile heart.

I’m back after the break.

So after the crazy, busy and fun week, I’m back to my life and it feels great. As i said i was to leave for my cousin’s (G) wedding and then there was all the dance and customs and other stuff to do. My other cousin sis, ‘V’ ( G’s elder sis) and her husband ‘B’ were here from USA. We all met after long time and had lots of fun. ‘B’ had arranged a dance competition and guess who won. ME! I won an ipod shuffle. had been wanted some music to carry around for a long time now, so this makes my belief more strong that ‘you always get what you want’, and that’s making me more happy coz I’m asking for all great things in my life.

The whole marriage was lot of fun. But it did strike me that this was not how my marriage will be like. Firstly the arranged thing, how can u take such a big risk, or more than a risk it seems to me like and educated person refuses to read. It just doesn’t make sense to me at all. Apart from that the whole too many relatives and all the customs, i don’t think there is anyone to take care of all that for me, I’d rather book a 5 star hotel, have only exclusive invitees and get a well planned and not-arranged marriage. It also made me think of how much time there is before i got to a point when i want to get married, too far.

I realize i am so different from the other girls in my cousin’s. I don’t dream of getting a suitable boy to get married to, i know i will find that myself and not by searching but i know i just will. There’s this feeling of assurance that i have and its great. I think being independent, not just financially but also mentally makes you very strong.

Also I had my first jazz performance. It was great. I went on stage after 4 years and i know i love it. I am going to the next level and am so glad i did stick to this. It give me something to fell happy about and that I’ve think is the greatest gift to yourself, ‘to feel happy’.

Cheers to a unique me, jazz me and happy me !

To make it better..

I have always known what i want in my life and my decisions have never been anyone else’s but mine. I think its right and I go ahead with it, no matter what people/family others have to say and if I don’t think its good( not just for me, but in general), then no matter who you are I will not agree (And I keep trying to learn diplomacy ) Anyways, but there’s this part of my life right now where I am struggling with what I take for myself and what I give to my family. I know I am responsible for them and I am sometimes scared of the burden, but I know I will pull through and make them happy. Its this argument of whether I deserve the happiness while i have still not completely made them happy that is making me guilty many times. I know I owe them happiness but does  this mean I reject myself . Every time I spend/invest/take time to find some solitude happiness there’s a guilt that they(family) are not enjoying while I am. It even gets down to smaller stuff, like me enjoying my dance classes, spending on gym, while they do not have any such interests but if they did it is hard to think if they could pursue them or not. Now please don’t think that i am a selfish bitch and spend huge amounts on myself, no i don’t. And with the little amount i spend on myself there is a debate if it is justified or not. Why do i question that is it on the cost of my family sacrifices that I am finding happiness. I hate to see myself in these pitiable situations. It makes me sound weird and something that I am not. maybe I don’t know the right words to express this well but this isn’t what i want.

So do I deserve to be happy when I am trying my best to make my family happy. Strangely I know the answer but somehow am unable to make my conscience accept it. I know it takes time for thinks to get better, but am unable to feel that even i am only taking a chance to feel better.