“Spouse is your life” is a defaut setting in Indian women.

I am a 23 year old smart and independent girl. If you ask me ‘what kind of partner would you like in your life?’ then my first thought is my independence, individualism, career plans and current responsibilities should not depend on him. I should be able to ‘be me’ and still connect with him rather than loosing my identity and becoming what he wants.

But this is all talk. I had fallen prey to the ‘default thought and thinking of Indian women’ that has been followed in Indian culture, according to which ‘your husband is the center of your life’ and ‘ you should do all in your power to make him happy’. I did not exactly get married, but in many ways almost did. I committed myself to a BF in college and before I knew it I was always thinking of how to make things work with him, his family and what will life be after marriage. It was like my brain went on ‘Automatic Pilot’ mode and said I know what to think of now ‘HIM only’. I didn’t even remember what all I wanted ou of my life. Every event, everything i wanted was all dependent on him.

Now that I think about it, it was such a deteriorating state of mind and I will never repeat this again. Never loose my individualism for any other individual. Not that I will not be in a relationship/marriage ever, but I will never forget myself in them.

Its strange but true, we’ve seen our mother, grandmothers, aunts and almost every women around us build her life around her spouse and it has been set into our minds that this is how it is. But no more, not for me, not for the next generations to come. It is so important to hold onto yourself and while change is a part of life, so is ‘unique identity’. You should never have to be introducing yourself wihtout knowing who you are to yourself. I want to keep ‘me’ alive, my dreams, aspirations, hobbies and all that ‘I’ am now and today.

And companionship to me still means ‘care and trust’ but on both ends, love is a still ‘love to die for’ but not ‘love to give up your life for’.

Hope to find what I’m looking for and more, someday..but not today

To live in the Hearts of those you leave behind is not to die…

We know its there, waiting and approaching, with each birthday celebration and every wrinkle coming, we know where the road ends and yet we don’t know how.

Death seems like the harshest truth in life, of not having to be there, to see them, to hear them and the worst part being you don’t know what happens next. Its often happens that we are apart, miles and cities, days and months go on without being together, but by just knowing where they are, we know its ok. But death is different, you don’t know what happened, where to reach them and indefinite is until infinity. 

So why do we want to keep that the way of being close to those you love and care, why not make places in their hearts today, tell them we will live on, take care and be by their side, and whether our voices can reach them or not, they will always be part of our prayers and our souls.

 Say that you always wanted to, make the move you never thought you could, live a little more today, make your loved ones yours today. Give up all you have for all you want today because this is life and you call it ‘today’.

So LIVE but NEVER DIE in the hearts of those you will leave behind.

Lost touch

Somehow I’ve lost touch to my ‘family’ feeling. I’m still continuing my responsibilities and the stress ofbringing our lives to normal has started haunting my dreams, but still its the warmth of a family I’ve been missing. Its been years since I lost my dad and my mom has never been very warm to me, but as her interest have changed she no longer shows that she’s part of our family. It makes me sad and especially after being the most pampered kid, when you find yourself lost in this ‘care for yourself only’ place, its not nice.

I’ve always love d my family and my siblings are still as close as ever, but what has happened now is the center piece of the puzzled has gone missing making the remaining feel like apart and distant.

Its only natural to have different priorities but now we all have lost the common priority ‘family’. There are decision to be made, plans to be made and other thing’s always. But when it comes to deciding, we don’t have a deciding factor anymore. Everyone know what they want first and they go for it (even me). There is no upper hand anymore. 

Also I realized how cold my mother has become yesterday. When i reached home after work, i wasn’t feeling good, had fever and my headache was killing, i asked for a cup of tea ( our fav beverage) couple of times and told her i wasn’t well, but she went on doing whatever she was and didn’t care. When i was getting worse I told her i needed something to eat so i could take a medicine, then she got me a cup of tea and said i could take biscuits. I asked if she could get me the medicine and she started to scream on me and my brother. Just then the phone rang and she got it(which she rushes to) and it was some of her ‘prospect’ so her voice turned all sugar. I took my tea and went off to rest. Not once did she come to ask me how i was instead she kept screaming from the other room that i should take my medicine or i won’t be able to got to office. there wasn’t any warmth, love or care in her words or actions only a neccessity and adjustment.

I was very sad, sobbed a little and especially when you’re sick you need your dose of love more than the medicine. But i see that my mother has put it all away and is looking for a new family. Sad but true.

I hope I never lose touch with my siblings as the are the only family I have left and I will do all in my power to make them never feel what I feel now.

How to deal with change?

My life is so the same and I’m not very fond of that fact, its the people around me that are changing so much that I don’t know what to do about it. they are just so not what they were and I know that people change with time but what if all your loved one become a complete opposite of what they were.

The most troubling and unacceptable part is my sister. She used to be my deal, fun, hep, confidant, always knows what to do and say, sweet and naught, stylish and peppy sis. She had a terrible break up as her boyfriend cheated her by saying he would marry her and then landed up getting engaged to a girl he knew before H(my sis) and he’s now married to her. Not that H is a homely one looking to stalk guys to marry her, but yes this time she wanted him and that he promised, she didn’t start the marriage talk and she never asked for commitment. But the guy being the bastard that he is, made her so emotionally involved and she took it all. She made plans, was ready to give up her career and marry a guy 6 years elder to her( she’s 23) and do all that it would take to be part of his family, but he just played with her. He broke her heart so bad. I hate to see her turned into this sad person, she can’t stay happy for long, if we chat before going to sleep(we share the room) she eventually land up talking about him and i get so angry. I just don’t know how to see her like this, its all this stress and she started hogging like a pig and put on weight also, which led to even drooping her confidence levels underground and i try telling her she’s so much better than to cry over what that SOB did to her. But i think some wounds just take a lifetime (or that’s what it seems to me) to heal. I don’t know how to see my sister so sad, so alone, so  low confident and so not herself. Its just to much pain. This has been the hardest thing for me to accept that my bubbly and firecracker sister is now a sad and moaning person.

Another change recently is my friend S. We were the best of friends in college for 3 years until we had some issue and stopped talking at all. Then somehow i gathered the guts and reached her a after a year and a half and we both had our regrets and sorry’s and got back to being friends. Since getting back as friends I haven’t met her, she lives in another part of the country and recently is home for a couple of days.  She told me that she was coming and we planned to meet. we did meet but it was so different, on the phone i could talk to her like old times, but when i met her i just couldn’t open up. Maybe its also  got to do with the fact that she’s turned into ultra hip and fashioned person and I’m not so hip types, I’m not plain also, but I’m not used to being around that kina people. By that kina I mean put up, top much make up, style and all. I don’t know it didn’t feel like her. So now she wants to catch up again, but i don’t feel like. Maybe that she’s changed is somewhat strange to me and its not just the way she dresses, its also her ways and stuff. Well she has been living with this hippie kina guy( the reason why we fought back then) and although i have no qualms about what or who she is with, i think she’s become like him, not think i could see it. Its weird. I once had a friend who was all simple, too nervous, making fun of herself and now i see a very put up, hippie, smoking, care a damn attitude girl and its like I’m with a stranger. she just asked if we can catch up today and i don’t know what to do.

The 3rd change around me is my younger brother L. He’s in his early teens and getting into that rebellious mode and i don’t know how to deal with him. If he doesn’t listen to me that shouting t him makes it worse and he’s so damn arrogant these days that u can’t talk him into listing to you. Its weird coz i know i gave my mom a tuff time in my teens and to see him growing to do that is too much to handle.

Lastly and not the least please, although my mind and heart have accepted that my mom wants to get married and leave us and this bloody compromising life, but i still can’t accept to see her doing those hot chats on-line, going to meet new people and being so happy while talking to them and so rude and mad at us all the time. I just cant see that my mother changed into something so vulgar and cheap. she was so gracious and classy and now she chats to every other guy on net and god knows what all. I know she wants a better life but i can’t seem to accept her like this.

I carry your Heart..

I heard this poem in the movie “In Her Shoes”. Cameron Diaz reads it to her sister on her wedding day. Its beautiful.

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart.
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling

i fear no fate,for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world, for beautiful you are my world,my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart.

Mother’s Day and me!

Its May8 again. Another Mother’s day and I think celebration is what all mothers look forward to. i have no clue what makes my mother happy.  She’s been in a different world ever since i lost my Dad. She feels free and wants to live a new life.I’m not saying she’s happy about my Dad, just that she never loved life when she was with him and always asked for something different. A different life, with a handsome man and all the money to live happily ever after. But she never mentions us in these dreams, its like she wishes she never had us in her life so she wouldn’t have had to cut us out .

Im glad to see her happy but it hurts that she doesn’t want us around.

She loves my brother( the youngest, still in school), but i think she’s lost the love for me and my sister. She often says she’s going to all she always wanted but never got the chance to and i feel its great for her.

Sometimes i feel I have lost my mother, though she still lives with us and hasn’t started her new life with anyone(still looking), but i miss being cared for and loved and pampered. Its not just that I’m not a kid anymore, its more like she’s not there even when she is.

On this Mother’s day I wish all her dreams come true, even if we are not a part of it. I wish her life of joy and happiness and health and love. I think she has given up her life and dreams till now for us and now its only fair in return to forgive her for giving up her love for us. I hope you are happy always.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MUMMA!