My JAZZ experience so far.

I joined jazz dance classes about seven weeks back and mine is the weekends batch, which means Sunday-3hr class. The first month was basically all about learning, forgetting, feeling stupid, wanting to do it all perfect in one go but never the less exciting. It was all so new and fresh. More than the dance itself the feeling of ‘learning something new’, giving yourself time and ‘wow! jazz dance’ consumed me and made me all smiles. Even in the class when we would do the dance and  my instructor would ask to bring some attitude to the moves, I would be smiling to myself just looking at myself in the mirror an i was all teeth (just realised it might be looking silly to others, who cares!). Btw the studio has an entire wall of glass which is wow! now you see what i mean, everybody knows and understands that dance studios have glasses on walls, but seeing yourself there, a part of it all is WOW!  I won’t lie, but i did feel out of place, not because i don’t know dance, i love dance, but my thoughts did run into ‘its only for skinny people’,NOW I’m not a fat, but I’m not skinny either. I’m just fine with a few extra inches here and there. But then I did realize that even this is a way of staying fit, learning about your body, pushing your limits and mostly its about ‘attitude’. So i let those negative thoughts leave me asap and put my heart into the dance.

Now its the second month( only one more class to go) and I feel much more into the dance, more than the steps I’m focusing on the techniques, i remember the moves much easily and I’m somewhat portraying a attitude of a dancer, I’m feeling like a dancer. And being me, ‘the dedicated’, ‘never give up’, ‘committed to what i put my head and heart into’, person I’ve always being practicing. Its getting better and I’m feeling it. I even got a compliment from one of my batch mates( not a guy, so must be genuine ;)) and also from my trainer. I think its great fun and although I haven’t made friends as i thought i would, i have found my place in the jazz world.

Hope to keep leaning more of this great dance form.

“Spouse is your life” is a defaut setting in Indian women.

I am a 23 year old smart and independent girl. If you ask me ‘what kind of partner would you like in your life?’ then my first thought is my independence, individualism, career plans and current responsibilities should not depend on him. I should be able to ‘be me’ and still connect with him rather than loosing my identity and becoming what he wants.

But this is all talk. I had fallen prey to the ‘default thought and thinking of Indian women’ that has been followed in Indian culture, according to which ‘your husband is the center of your life’ and ‘ you should do all in your power to make him happy’. I did not exactly get married, but in many ways almost did. I committed myself to a BF in college and before I knew it I was always thinking of how to make things work with him, his family and what will life be after marriage. It was like my brain went on ‘Automatic Pilot’ mode and said I know what to think of now ‘HIM only’. I didn’t even remember what all I wanted ou of my life. Every event, everything i wanted was all dependent on him.

Now that I think about it, it was such a deteriorating state of mind and I will never repeat this again. Never loose my individualism for any other individual. Not that I will not be in a relationship/marriage ever, but I will never forget myself in them.

Its strange but true, we’ve seen our mother, grandmothers, aunts and almost every women around us build her life around her spouse and it has been set into our minds that this is how it is. But no more, not for me, not for the next generations to come. It is so important to hold onto yourself and while change is a part of life, so is ‘unique identity’. You should never have to be introducing yourself wihtout knowing who you are to yourself. I want to keep ‘me’ alive, my dreams, aspirations, hobbies and all that ‘I’ am now and today.

And companionship to me still means ‘care and trust’ but on both ends, love is a still ‘love to die for’ but not ‘love to give up your life for’.

Hope to find what I’m looking for and more, someday..but not today

How do feel about your Ex??

History: I had a boyfriend in college, we were together for 3 years. He was a simple person and that’s what attracted me to him. He was kind and nice. When i started dating him I forgot all my friends and my life’s objective became to do everything make  a future with him perfect. Sadly, the simplicity did not attract me anymore and I became more aware of his non-passionate and dull side. Since i was the fun part of the relationship and was putting more that 100% into it, i expected something from him also. He was too laid back, non - ambitious, too tight lipped in front of his parents and not daring enough to be with me. I did love him, but i soon realized that i had loved the wrong guy. He was too dull for me and i wasn’t happy. i left him(it wasn’t mutual) and whenever I told him I can be there as a friend he took a chance a getting back with me, this made him so irritating that I had to cut all contacts from him. He still calls me like once in 3-4 months and i don’t fell good about it either.

That’s about what happened.

Now the thing is that I detest any thought of him, not that i miss him but it all seems to be the biggest blunder of my life. I feel that if i could just go back n erase him from my life. I’m again saying that i am not still in love with him. I feel ‘eeuuck’ about my decision, like ‘how could i choose someone so unrepresentable, dumb, un ambitious, without self respect, no daring??’. its not nice to say these things but it is the truth. I Kinna feel he was way below what i deserved and i shouldn’t have been with him and felt so much for him. Well now that its all over, i really don’t care, but i just wanted to know that does everyone feel like this about their ex’s??

My week off from work.

Last week, as we already had a holiday for Friday, so i took the days from Monday to Thursday off and that made it 9 days away from work in total. :)) ( but i had to apply for the leaves, give reason and pretend it was something i couldn’t miss, then give training to who was supposed to take care of my work while i was gone). Anyways, i had planned on taking a family trip, asit had been long overdue, but it turned out that my mom had to attend to few of her family matters for my grandparents an all, so she was not home practically the entire week. We kids has a blast at home. Nothing great, but just the chilling out, sleeping at late wee hours, getting up at noon, ordering food, then watching TV, chatting, not bathing, I missed these activities and now i dd catch up on them. I’m very much regular at work and now completing 1 year of working I realized I had never done this before. So it was FUN!

I’m back to work today and its nice to. I’m feeling good about it, coming back to my desk, responsibilities and hey by next week i might also be joining an NGO for voluntary work with Street kids, so I’m all happy about that too.

So that was my week off, simple, lazy, fun and chilling!

To live in the Hearts of those you leave behind is not to die…

We know its there, waiting and approaching, with each birthday celebration and every wrinkle coming, we know where the road ends and yet we don’t know how.

Death seems like the harshest truth in life, of not having to be there, to see them, to hear them and the worst part being you don’t know what happens next. Its often happens that we are apart, miles and cities, days and months go on without being together, but by just knowing where they are, we know its ok. But death is different, you don’t know what happened, where to reach them and indefinite is until infinity. 

So why do we want to keep that the way of being close to those you love and care, why not make places in their hearts today, tell them we will live on, take care and be by their side, and whether our voices can reach them or not, they will always be part of our prayers and our souls.

 Say that you always wanted to, make the move you never thought you could, live a little more today, make your loved ones yours today. Give up all you have for all you want today because this is life and you call it ‘today’.

So LIVE but NEVER DIE in the hearts of those you will leave behind.

What’s your HIGH??

There are a few things that give you a high, a ‘high’ as in that special boast of confidence, some undying faith, a ‘can’t stop’ smile, a warm feeling and glittering eyes, a ‘high’ that makes you wanna be more of ’you’ and says ‘you’re the BEST!’. It might be anything a thought, a compliment, an achievement, a hug, some self-time anything.

I found one more for myself yesterday, its ‘being independent’, not that I moved from my family to stay alone( btw i have already done that in college :)) or developed my dream project (finally I have one), it was just a simple event where I travelled alone yesterday (within the city)  to reach to one of my commitments. It was my jazz dance classes and that reminds me i have finally crossed something form my ‘things to do before i turn 25′ list. Yupee! So i was traveling alone and i felt so independent, like I could do all I want, like this was the best of life and it all doesn’t sound to well connected but it is. Its that high that I get from the ‘dance class’ also, it gives a sense of ‘being on you own’ and ’i can get all i want’ at the same time.

I know there are other things like alcohol and smoke that take you to a world where nothing bothers you and you feel great, but whats different with these small and stupid feelings is that you are awake to ‘feel that happiness’ and its a great joy. Here’s my cute list of all the things that give me a ‘top of the world’ high:

1. independent

2. travelling alone

3. sketching

4. writing and getting reviews on them (usually good)

5. reading a good book, right now I’m reading ‘The Secret’. Its Amazing!

6. watching romantic comedy movies

7. spending quality time with family and see them happy

I’ll keep adding stuff here as and when they occur/i remember, in the mean time why don’t you find out ‘What’s your high?’.

How do i write???

Hello people! need some help here, was just looking for some insight on how exactly are my writing and expressing skills. So if you’ve a little time and patience, could i get some feedback on my blogs. PS: read the Aug, Dec 07 blogs, i had lot of time to think then.

And btw I am going to write a book anyways, so why am i asking this? Coz any feedback will only make my book better.

To make this more easy you can give me rating b/w 1-10, (10 being best) on the following parameters:

a) Language

b) grammer

c) expressive

d) engrossing

e) deep and honest

f) worth being published

g) could be a writer

h) to the point

i) makes sense

j) makes reader feel connected

and here’s a subjective question:

What according you is my area of master until now. None of my writing is fiction till  now, but still what kind of stuff do you think i capture and should work on?

One of those times..

Its one of those times in my life when I’ve finally went out and done that ‘i think I’ll never do that and only keep planning and talking about it’ stuff.

I joined a Jazz dance class and it was fun. I went there, danced to the tunes, enjoyed myself and came back home feeling like i could and will do anything i want in my life done. I’m all excited about my next class. I’v taken the weekend batch, so only Sunday’s are JAZZy for me. Ok that sounded creepy! :))

And yes I’ve also started my gym again and I found out that more than anything else it brings discipline to my life and the thought has got me all smiles coz i have a few reasons to be there. :))

you can guess by now that I’m all smiley and feeling great. Hope all of you feel the same too. :))

‘The Secret’ for all of you.

Hello everyone reading beyond just the title of this blog. You have found ’secret’ to find the Gennie of you life, who is going to grant every wish you have and want.

Ok let’s get to the point. I’ve been reading ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and its really amazing. have you ever felt so strongly about yourself doing one particular/many things something wrong all the time and you actually have proof. Like for some people they keep tripping all the time and say ‘hey i trip all the time’. well you know what is that?, that’s the power of thought and believe. We think, believe and it happens.

So here are few tips from the book that will help you achieve everything you want in life:

1. Think what you want, only and always positive. No place for ‘I don’t like/want’ thoughts.

2. The universe has a force of attraction, everything thing you think, it attracts it to you.

3. The universe is you Gennie.

4. You have to ask your Gennie for what you want, receive it and believe that it is yours even before it is true.

5. Receiving is saying ‘I am receiving (you wish) now’

6. believing in what you have wished for means - you have to feel what you would feel once your wish comes true.  try to think that your wish is fulfilled and generate that feeling as often as possible.

3. your feelings reflect you thoughts.

7.If you are feeling bad - then you are sending negative thoughts to the Gennie, which will bring you back more situations to generate negative thoughts.

8. If you are feeling good - then you are sending positive thought to the Gennie and he will bring more ways to make you feel good.

9. learn to shift from feeling bad to good.

10. make a list of thoughts/memories/hobbies anything that instantly make you feel good.

11. Every time you are feeling bad, look at the list and hold onto the feeling it brings( good).

12. believe that you have received, learn to feel what you granted wish will make you feel and keep that feeling coming to you often.

13. no time limit for this secret. the stronger the believe and feeling( that your wish is already true) the faster the Gennie delivery your wishes.

14. Example: people trying to loose weight; don’t focus on ‘loosing weight’ that will simply bring more situations for you where you have to try to loose weight and that’s why diets don’t work at all. you believe that until you follow diet you are slim and when you leave it you become fat. Instead believe that ‘you aer slim and ask for a ideal weight you want’ receiveyou ideal weight,and then simply believe that your ideal weight is yours.

15. the secret, sometimes leads us to work on the wishes, sometime opens opportunities to reach the wishes and sometimes effortlessly brings them to us. how it differentiates is the Gennie’s work. all you have to do is : ask, receive and believe.

TRY IT .. maybe with something small.. could be anything… it will make you believe in truth of ‘the secret’.

 

Lost touch

Somehow I’ve lost touch to my ‘family’ feeling. I’m still continuing my responsibilities and the stress ofbringing our lives to normal has started haunting my dreams, but still its the warmth of a family I’ve been missing. Its been years since I lost my dad and my mom has never been very warm to me, but as her interest have changed she no longer shows that she’s part of our family. It makes me sad and especially after being the most pampered kid, when you find yourself lost in this ‘care for yourself only’ place, its not nice.

I’ve always love d my family and my siblings are still as close as ever, but what has happened now is the center piece of the puzzled has gone missing making the remaining feel like apart and distant.

Its only natural to have different priorities but now we all have lost the common priority ‘family’. There are decision to be made, plans to be made and other thing’s always. But when it comes to deciding, we don’t have a deciding factor anymore. Everyone know what they want first and they go for it (even me). There is no upper hand anymore. 

Also I realized how cold my mother has become yesterday. When i reached home after work, i wasn’t feeling good, had fever and my headache was killing, i asked for a cup of tea ( our fav beverage) couple of times and told her i wasn’t well, but she went on doing whatever she was and didn’t care. When i was getting worse I told her i needed something to eat so i could take a medicine, then she got me a cup of tea and said i could take biscuits. I asked if she could get me the medicine and she started to scream on me and my brother. Just then the phone rang and she got it(which she rushes to) and it was some of her ‘prospect’ so her voice turned all sugar. I took my tea and went off to rest. Not once did she come to ask me how i was instead she kept screaming from the other room that i should take my medicine or i won’t be able to got to office. there wasn’t any warmth, love or care in her words or actions only a neccessity and adjustment.

I was very sad, sobbed a little and especially when you’re sick you need your dose of love more than the medicine. But i see that my mother has put it all away and is looking for a new family. Sad but true.

I hope I never lose touch with my siblings as the are the only family I have left and I will do all in my power to make them never feel what I feel now.