My JAZZ experience so far.

I joined jazz dance classes about seven weeks back and mine is the weekends batch, which means Sunday-3hr class. The first month was basically all about learning, forgetting, feeling stupid, wanting to do it all perfect in one go but never the less exciting. It was all so new and fresh. More than the dance itself the feeling of ‘learning something new’, giving yourself time and ‘wow! jazz dance’ consumed me and made me all smiles. Even in the class when we would do the dance and  my instructor would ask to bring some attitude to the moves, I would be smiling to myself just looking at myself in the mirror an i was all teeth (just realised it might be looking silly to others, who cares!). Btw the studio has an entire wall of glass which is wow! now you see what i mean, everybody knows and understands that dance studios have glasses on walls, but seeing yourself there, a part of it all is WOW!  I won’t lie, but i did feel out of place, not because i don’t know dance, i love dance, but my thoughts did run into ‘its only for skinny people’,NOW I’m not a fat, but I’m not skinny either. I’m just fine with a few extra inches here and there. But then I did realize that even this is a way of staying fit, learning about your body, pushing your limits and mostly its about ‘attitude’. So i let those negative thoughts leave me asap and put my heart into the dance.

Now its the second month( only one more class to go) and I feel much more into the dance, more than the steps I’m focusing on the techniques, i remember the moves much easily and I’m somewhat portraying a attitude of a dancer, I’m feeling like a dancer. And being me, ‘the dedicated’, ‘never give up’, ‘committed to what i put my head and heart into’, person I’ve always being practicing. Its getting better and I’m feeling it. I even got a compliment from one of my batch mates( not a guy, so must be genuine ;)) and also from my trainer. I think its great fun and although I haven’t made friends as i thought i would, i have found my place in the jazz world.

Hope to keep leaning more of this great dance form.

“Spouse is your life” is a defaut setting in Indian women.

I am a 23 year old smart and independent girl. If you ask me ‘what kind of partner would you like in your life?’ then my first thought is my independence, individualism, career plans and current responsibilities should not depend on him. I should be able to ‘be me’ and still connect with him rather than loosing my identity and becoming what he wants.

But this is all talk. I had fallen prey to the ‘default thought and thinking of Indian women’ that has been followed in Indian culture, according to which ‘your husband is the center of your life’ and ‘ you should do all in your power to make him happy’. I did not exactly get married, but in many ways almost did. I committed myself to a BF in college and before I knew it I was always thinking of how to make things work with him, his family and what will life be after marriage. It was like my brain went on ‘Automatic Pilot’ mode and said I know what to think of now ‘HIM only’. I didn’t even remember what all I wanted ou of my life. Every event, everything i wanted was all dependent on him.

Now that I think about it, it was such a deteriorating state of mind and I will never repeat this again. Never loose my individualism for any other individual. Not that I will not be in a relationship/marriage ever, but I will never forget myself in them.

Its strange but true, we’ve seen our mother, grandmothers, aunts and almost every women around us build her life around her spouse and it has been set into our minds that this is how it is. But no more, not for me, not for the next generations to come. It is so important to hold onto yourself and while change is a part of life, so is ‘unique identity’. You should never have to be introducing yourself wihtout knowing who you are to yourself. I want to keep ‘me’ alive, my dreams, aspirations, hobbies and all that ‘I’ am now and today.

And companionship to me still means ‘care and trust’ but on both ends, love is a still ‘love to die for’ but not ‘love to give up your life for’.

Hope to find what I’m looking for and more, someday..but not today

How do feel about your Ex??

History: I had a boyfriend in college, we were together for 3 years. He was a simple person and that’s what attracted me to him. He was kind and nice. When i started dating him I forgot all my friends and my life’s objective became to do everything make  a future with him perfect. Sadly, the simplicity did not attract me anymore and I became more aware of his non-passionate and dull side. Since i was the fun part of the relationship and was putting more that 100% into it, i expected something from him also. He was too laid back, non - ambitious, too tight lipped in front of his parents and not daring enough to be with me. I did love him, but i soon realized that i had loved the wrong guy. He was too dull for me and i wasn’t happy. i left him(it wasn’t mutual) and whenever I told him I can be there as a friend he took a chance a getting back with me, this made him so irritating that I had to cut all contacts from him. He still calls me like once in 3-4 months and i don’t fell good about it either.

That’s about what happened.

Now the thing is that I detest any thought of him, not that i miss him but it all seems to be the biggest blunder of my life. I feel that if i could just go back n erase him from my life. I’m again saying that i am not still in love with him. I feel ‘eeuuck’ about my decision, like ‘how could i choose someone so unrepresentable, dumb, un ambitious, without self respect, no daring??’. its not nice to say these things but it is the truth. I Kinna feel he was way below what i deserved and i shouldn’t have been with him and felt so much for him. Well now that its all over, i really don’t care, but i just wanted to know that does everyone feel like this about their ex’s??

To live in the Hearts of those you leave behind is not to die…

We know its there, waiting and approaching, with each birthday celebration and every wrinkle coming, we know where the road ends and yet we don’t know how.

Death seems like the harshest truth in life, of not having to be there, to see them, to hear them and the worst part being you don’t know what happens next. Its often happens that we are apart, miles and cities, days and months go on without being together, but by just knowing where they are, we know its ok. But death is different, you don’t know what happened, where to reach them and indefinite is until infinity. 

So why do we want to keep that the way of being close to those you love and care, why not make places in their hearts today, tell them we will live on, take care and be by their side, and whether our voices can reach them or not, they will always be part of our prayers and our souls.

 Say that you always wanted to, make the move you never thought you could, live a little more today, make your loved ones yours today. Give up all you have for all you want today because this is life and you call it ‘today’.

So LIVE but NEVER DIE in the hearts of those you will leave behind.

What’s your HIGH??

There are a few things that give you a high, a ‘high’ as in that special boast of confidence, some undying faith, a ‘can’t stop’ smile, a warm feeling and glittering eyes, a ‘high’ that makes you wanna be more of ’you’ and says ‘you’re the BEST!’. It might be anything a thought, a compliment, an achievement, a hug, some self-time anything.

I found one more for myself yesterday, its ‘being independent’, not that I moved from my family to stay alone( btw i have already done that in college :)) or developed my dream project (finally I have one), it was just a simple event where I travelled alone yesterday (within the city)  to reach to one of my commitments. It was my jazz dance classes and that reminds me i have finally crossed something form my ‘things to do before i turn 25′ list. Yupee! So i was traveling alone and i felt so independent, like I could do all I want, like this was the best of life and it all doesn’t sound to well connected but it is. Its that high that I get from the ‘dance class’ also, it gives a sense of ‘being on you own’ and ’i can get all i want’ at the same time.

I know there are other things like alcohol and smoke that take you to a world where nothing bothers you and you feel great, but whats different with these small and stupid feelings is that you are awake to ‘feel that happiness’ and its a great joy. Here’s my cute list of all the things that give me a ‘top of the world’ high:

1. independent

2. travelling alone

3. sketching

4. writing and getting reviews on them (usually good)

5. reading a good book, right now I’m reading ‘The Secret’. Its Amazing!

6. watching romantic comedy movies

7. spending quality time with family and see them happy

I’ll keep adding stuff here as and when they occur/i remember, in the mean time why don’t you find out ‘What’s your high?’.

How do i write???

Hello people! need some help here, was just looking for some insight on how exactly are my writing and expressing skills. So if you’ve a little time and patience, could i get some feedback on my blogs. PS: read the Aug, Dec 07 blogs, i had lot of time to think then.

And btw I am going to write a book anyways, so why am i asking this? Coz any feedback will only make my book better.

To make this more easy you can give me rating b/w 1-10, (10 being best) on the following parameters:

a) Language

b) grammer

c) expressive

d) engrossing

e) deep and honest

f) worth being published

g) could be a writer

h) to the point

i) makes sense

j) makes reader feel connected

and here’s a subjective question:

What according you is my area of master until now. None of my writing is fiction till  now, but still what kind of stuff do you think i capture and should work on?

Lost touch

Somehow I’ve lost touch to my ‘family’ feeling. I’m still continuing my responsibilities and the stress ofbringing our lives to normal has started haunting my dreams, but still its the warmth of a family I’ve been missing. Its been years since I lost my dad and my mom has never been very warm to me, but as her interest have changed she no longer shows that she’s part of our family. It makes me sad and especially after being the most pampered kid, when you find yourself lost in this ‘care for yourself only’ place, its not nice.

I’ve always love d my family and my siblings are still as close as ever, but what has happened now is the center piece of the puzzled has gone missing making the remaining feel like apart and distant.

Its only natural to have different priorities but now we all have lost the common priority ‘family’. There are decision to be made, plans to be made and other thing’s always. But when it comes to deciding, we don’t have a deciding factor anymore. Everyone know what they want first and they go for it (even me). There is no upper hand anymore. 

Also I realized how cold my mother has become yesterday. When i reached home after work, i wasn’t feeling good, had fever and my headache was killing, i asked for a cup of tea ( our fav beverage) couple of times and told her i wasn’t well, but she went on doing whatever she was and didn’t care. When i was getting worse I told her i needed something to eat so i could take a medicine, then she got me a cup of tea and said i could take biscuits. I asked if she could get me the medicine and she started to scream on me and my brother. Just then the phone rang and she got it(which she rushes to) and it was some of her ‘prospect’ so her voice turned all sugar. I took my tea and went off to rest. Not once did she come to ask me how i was instead she kept screaming from the other room that i should take my medicine or i won’t be able to got to office. there wasn’t any warmth, love or care in her words or actions only a neccessity and adjustment.

I was very sad, sobbed a little and especially when you’re sick you need your dose of love more than the medicine. But i see that my mother has put it all away and is looking for a new family. Sad but true.

I hope I never lose touch with my siblings as the are the only family I have left and I will do all in my power to make them never feel what I feel now.

With a heavy heart..

Yesterday night my heart felt so heavy. I didnt’ know why, just like most of the times. When I don’t know what’s troubling me I usually think about all the things that happened that day, all the thoughts that crossed my mind and all that i did, see or hear. Well i couldn’t sit down with all that yesterday as I had to sleep and had work in morning, but now I want to write all of it so I know why I felt what i did.

1. I had a fight with my so-called- best-friend ‘S’. A group of my aquantaices had plans for last Saturday and S called and said to plan something up. So I included her into my plans and we all went out. i made arrangements for her pick and drop and everything. she also dragged her younger sister along. Then at the party my sis(part of my friend circle) started flirting with a cute guy, she wasn’t making out or anything but she only danced. after the party i got S and her sis dropped back home and made sure they ate something and all that. the next day i get to know S’s sister had made pathetic comments on my sister. How dare she! this got me so pissed and i called S and told her that her sis has said so and so and I’m hurt about that. she told that she had no idea about it all and she will talk to her sister and get back to me. she called me but i missed the call and from then we haven’t spoken. I sent her a MSG saying to call before leaving( that is 2mrw) and if not than thanks for the welcoming visit. Since then I’m not sure about what i did was right or not and all that. But the whole thing sucks. and moreover I didn’t feel any connection to her, u know that warm bonding wasn’t there. Even though we partied all nite we didn’t speak for 5 minutes.

HISTORY:BTW S works in another city  and is home for 2 weeks. We used to best friends in college until we had a big fight and didn’t speak of a year and half. Then I gathered the courage to talk to her again and we decided to be friends again. this getting together happened only after she had left the city and I have met her only once since then. This time she came for a long holiday so we thought we could catch up n stuff. But like always she wants me to make all the arrangements and all she does is complain and make excuses. and i also realized that she’s not very much eager to meet me either wen she comes, she always has something or the other to do and I’m always trying to make plans work.

2. I saw these street kid begging at a crossing and he had an infant with him. he himself was 4-5 years old and although  I know its nit a very rare site in India but my heart felt a pinch. I know I want to help them, these street kids but I’m not just getting started. I’m making my own family stable and I’m guilty that all I’m doing is feeling sorry.

3. Thoughts about my male friend ‘A’ also filled my mind. Sometime back I had got ot know that he had feelings for me and then I kept such a distance from him. Sometimes I htink he cares too much about me but i hate the idea of him feeing anything but friendship for me. These thoughts are not nice. I don’t like them, he’s my friend and after all the mistakes he made and i forgave himhe couldn’t do this to me. I cannot bear the thought of him liking me and whenever i remember all that i doubt does he still the same?’ . all of this in spite him ever telling anything to me directly and i got to know from a common friend. Why can’t friends just be friends?  

I slept with a heavy heart and couldn’t sleep well. I ole up at 3am and started having a headache since then. It lasted even half through the morning. I’ve also not been sleeping well past couple of weeks and its troubling me. maybe its coz i don’t exercise anymore  and that’s another thing i need to sort out.

 

How to deal with change?

My life is so the same and I’m not very fond of that fact, its the people around me that are changing so much that I don’t know what to do about it. they are just so not what they were and I know that people change with time but what if all your loved one become a complete opposite of what they were.

The most troubling and unacceptable part is my sister. She used to be my deal, fun, hep, confidant, always knows what to do and say, sweet and naught, stylish and peppy sis. She had a terrible break up as her boyfriend cheated her by saying he would marry her and then landed up getting engaged to a girl he knew before H(my sis) and he’s now married to her. Not that H is a homely one looking to stalk guys to marry her, but yes this time she wanted him and that he promised, she didn’t start the marriage talk and she never asked for commitment. But the guy being the bastard that he is, made her so emotionally involved and she took it all. She made plans, was ready to give up her career and marry a guy 6 years elder to her( she’s 23) and do all that it would take to be part of his family, but he just played with her. He broke her heart so bad. I hate to see her turned into this sad person, she can’t stay happy for long, if we chat before going to sleep(we share the room) she eventually land up talking about him and i get so angry. I just don’t know how to see her like this, its all this stress and she started hogging like a pig and put on weight also, which led to even drooping her confidence levels underground and i try telling her she’s so much better than to cry over what that SOB did to her. But i think some wounds just take a lifetime (or that’s what it seems to me) to heal. I don’t know how to see my sister so sad, so alone, so  low confident and so not herself. Its just to much pain. This has been the hardest thing for me to accept that my bubbly and firecracker sister is now a sad and moaning person.

Another change recently is my friend S. We were the best of friends in college for 3 years until we had some issue and stopped talking at all. Then somehow i gathered the guts and reached her a after a year and a half and we both had our regrets and sorry’s and got back to being friends. Since getting back as friends I haven’t met her, she lives in another part of the country and recently is home for a couple of days.  She told me that she was coming and we planned to meet. we did meet but it was so different, on the phone i could talk to her like old times, but when i met her i just couldn’t open up. Maybe its also  got to do with the fact that she’s turned into ultra hip and fashioned person and I’m not so hip types, I’m not plain also, but I’m not used to being around that kina people. By that kina I mean put up, top much make up, style and all. I don’t know it didn’t feel like her. So now she wants to catch up again, but i don’t feel like. Maybe that she’s changed is somewhat strange to me and its not just the way she dresses, its also her ways and stuff. Well she has been living with this hippie kina guy( the reason why we fought back then) and although i have no qualms about what or who she is with, i think she’s become like him, not think i could see it. Its weird. I once had a friend who was all simple, too nervous, making fun of herself and now i see a very put up, hippie, smoking, care a damn attitude girl and its like I’m with a stranger. she just asked if we can catch up today and i don’t know what to do.

The 3rd change around me is my younger brother L. He’s in his early teens and getting into that rebellious mode and i don’t know how to deal with him. If he doesn’t listen to me that shouting t him makes it worse and he’s so damn arrogant these days that u can’t talk him into listing to you. Its weird coz i know i gave my mom a tuff time in my teens and to see him growing to do that is too much to handle.

Lastly and not the least please, although my mind and heart have accepted that my mom wants to get married and leave us and this bloody compromising life, but i still can’t accept to see her doing those hot chats on-line, going to meet new people and being so happy while talking to them and so rude and mad at us all the time. I just cant see that my mother changed into something so vulgar and cheap. she was so gracious and classy and now she chats to every other guy on net and god knows what all. I know she wants a better life but i can’t seem to accept her like this.

I carry your Heart..

I heard this poem in the movie “In Her Shoes”. Cameron Diaz reads it to her sister on her wedding day. Its beautiful.

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart.
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling

i fear no fate,for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world, for beautiful you are my world,my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart.