why are parents so difficult most of the times??

I love my mom, a little atleast I think, not as much as my dad but yes little for sure. I’ve been a daddy’s girl always and that’s why when I lost him I felt like an orphan, not literally coz my mom did step up and take care of most of the things but emotionally yes.

Like I’ve mentioned hundreds of times I loved my dad a lot and he loved me the most of all the siblings, atleast between me and elder sis I got the extra love and support, not including my brother coz he actually didn’t spend much time with dad, he was only 5-6 years old when dad passed away (something I should remember everytime I scold him heartlessly). So, he supported all my deeds, covered and ignored all my mistakes, unless they were blunders like this one and only once in my lifetime he slapped me coz I was back talking like a bitch and showing no respect for the man who had sleepless nights making sure I slept well and stood by me all night while we travelled in train to make sure I didn’t fall off the second berth.

After my dad was not around, I didn’t feel connected to my mom at all , rather even when he was around and i was in my rebellious teens I remember not talking to her for complete 2 months  after some bitter argument. There was a connection missing somewhere and in my mind I thought it was because she never fed me (don’t know if that’s the case). I felt so away from her, so distant and emotionally repelled. I never saw her concerned about me if I hurt myself or worried about me at all.

And now that I’m working and supporting the family, we hardly agree on anything at all (apart from cribbing about my sister’s spending habits). I have a own mind and thinking and she’s also got all cranky after the menopause thing and I have a hard time to have a sane 2 sentence conversation with her.

Its so bloody difficult and then I see / hear /read stuff about how mothers are the form of God on earth and feel soo guilty. I want to respect her but she’s lost that coz she was never a mother to me ever but now she’s talking to guys online and answering calls in slow-seducing voice and worst also clicking pictures of herself in low cut tops and sharing with strangers and when we try to stop her she says whats wrong with that I’m not taking money am not a whore.  So there goes the respect.

Then she’s always abusing my dad and that my friends hurts. I have done and said mean stuff to my dad because she pretended to be the innocent lamb and took advantage of my naive growing up mind. I hate her for that.

I try, I truly do and as much as I try to accept that she’s an individual and can believe in different things than myself somehow I can’t forgive her for not being the mother I wanted and still would want. Someone warm and loving. Someone wise and sensible (this one is soo never going to come to her).

Maybe even she had a different idea of a daughter but what she expresses is you should be like those slim and delicate girls and goes on to blaming my dad genes and blood.

I don’t know but I have a very hard time dealing with her. She is my mother, the only parent I have but why is this so difficult.

I either ignore her and keep away or just keep listing to her going on keep holding on to that shield against my heart and try so hard not to let her words from slicing my heart and butchering my emotions. Then there are times I drop the poison on her too and feel so emotionally exhausted coz I know I spit venom I’m angry and then guilty again.

Why can’t she be the nice mother, good and not hunting boys and shaming me? Why doesn’t she be a sensible acting-her-age type mother? Why don’t I connect to her? Why does she always say that her life would be so good if she never had kids with my dad?

It hurts to know you’re unwanted and seen as a regret and that you’re coming to this world has spoiled someones life and you hear it almost everyday. It hurts to hear abuses for the person who cared for me the most and whom i loved the most and now isn’t around to say ‘it’s ok’. It hurts to not have grown to accept the fact of your life. It hurts to still choke up while mentioning my dad after 7 years and still crying alone at nights thinking of him.

It hurts so much and this when it comes from a person I don’t feel connected to.

I guess this is the connection I have with my mother. HURT!

Diamonds for mom. :)

My family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas but yes we do make an effort to make use of the good and valid reason to celebrate. The celebration is sometimes for reasons and mostly without reasons, and in-spite this fact we all are really happy to enjoy a midnight cake piece and some good food and all this is mostly planned by my baby brother, for whom we have slipped many gifts for years with messages from Santa to ’STUDY HARD’ but the only thing that got hard was ‘to make him study’.  Now he has grown up and knows it was us and he still loves to decorate the tree and have some fun. So this year was again the same, some cake and goodies and then we watched a Disney movie till late, woke up late the next morning and by mid-noon got out of the house to visit some malls and look at the decorations around.

I did mention that I got an a yearly appraisal and bonus, though haven’t really received it in my account (will on 31st Dec) but yes i told mom she could buy some stuff for herself from the bonus money. She is very fond of ‘DIAMONDS’ and although we were amongst the rich people when dad was around, i don’t know why she didn’t buy them. Anyways, so we went to the mall and were looking around the jwellery counters, we found some really nice earrings and there was some good offers going on so we asked mom to buy the jewellery. She was bit skeptical ( as usual) and said we should think about it and that the money was much more than my bonus amount and we should inquire about the brand and blah blah blah. But me and sis convinced her that all was good and if would do away worth some of her old jewellery that she hardly wears she could take this. She was confused but said yes, so we got her a pair of diamond earrings, a diamond and gold ring (on which we got a great off and looked fabulous on my hand too) and then a free diamond pendant (that we still need to collect, as they were finished with the stock). So she was sooo happy. I think I have been hearing this from childhood, mom would always tell us ” You gonna get mummy Big Big Diamond earnings when you grow up?” and we would say ‘Yes mummy’. She always told that to me, sis and even my brother. I don’t know if it was the materialism that she wanted Diamonds or it was her way of reminding us not to forget about her when we have enough for ourselves. I think she always looked at the materialistic side of it and she didn’t realize that her heart wanted to keep her babies close to her and always love her, i think she still doesn’t realize that how important we are to her, coz she always shows that we are not (except for my brother).

Anyways so we did get her the Big Diamonds earrings ( only one big coz they are average big), even though she had to pool in but feels good to have contribute to that. So i guess this means that we love her a lot even after growing up(I’m not comfortable with that word) being independent.

Our won ways.

A family means to me the people who are connected together, by love & care. A group of people who take care of each other and no matter how wrong you might go are always there to take you back in and always help you.

My family is at a very new place. We were all taught the same values, but now we are branching to make our own values. There is difference in thoughts, gaps in perspectives, everyone has a word of their own and no one wants to listen.

I know we become individuals and take different paths, but the roots are the same, so how come we don’t understand each other any more. I don’t feel good about this. And every time i try i get so angry. I just don’t get them and what they want and need. 

In choosing our own ways of life, we are not able to hold onto each other. It scares me to death that what if someday i don’t recognize them, who they are, and not just me even they. I know I’m a bit stubborn but then i would never want anything but the best for them. Why is it so difficult and why can’t i find security? Maybe coz they are all i have left and i can’t let go. I just hope i know how to take this carefully so that i don’t hurt anyone and all are happy and together.

Amen!

To make it better..

I have always known what i want in my life and my decisions have never been anyone else’s but mine. I think its right and I go ahead with it, no matter what people/family others have to say and if I don’t think its good( not just for me, but in general), then no matter who you are I will not agree (And I keep trying to learn diplomacy ) Anyways, but there’s this part of my life right now where I am struggling with what I take for myself and what I give to my family. I know I am responsible for them and I am sometimes scared of the burden, but I know I will pull through and make them happy. Its this argument of whether I deserve the happiness while i have still not completely made them happy that is making me guilty many times. I know I owe them happiness but does  this mean I reject myself . Every time I spend/invest/take time to find some solitude happiness there’s a guilt that they(family) are not enjoying while I am. It even gets down to smaller stuff, like me enjoying my dance classes, spending on gym, while they do not have any such interests but if they did it is hard to think if they could pursue them or not. Now please don’t think that i am a selfish bitch and spend huge amounts on myself, no i don’t. And with the little amount i spend on myself there is a debate if it is justified or not. Why do i question that is it on the cost of my family sacrifices that I am finding happiness. I hate to see myself in these pitiable situations. It makes me sound weird and something that I am not. maybe I don’t know the right words to express this well but this isn’t what i want.

So do I deserve to be happy when I am trying my best to make my family happy. Strangely I know the answer but somehow am unable to make my conscience accept it. I know it takes time for thinks to get better, but am unable to feel that even i am only taking a chance to feel better.

Lost touch

Somehow I’ve lost touch to my ‘family’ feeling. I’m still continuing my responsibilities and the stress ofbringing our lives to normal has started haunting my dreams, but still its the warmth of a family I’ve been missing. Its been years since I lost my dad and my mom has never been very warm to me, but as her interest have changed she no longer shows that she’s part of our family. It makes me sad and especially after being the most pampered kid, when you find yourself lost in this ‘care for yourself only’ place, its not nice.

I’ve always love d my family and my siblings are still as close as ever, but what has happened now is the center piece of the puzzled has gone missing making the remaining feel like apart and distant.

Its only natural to have different priorities but now we all have lost the common priority ‘family’. There are decision to be made, plans to be made and other thing’s always. But when it comes to deciding, we don’t have a deciding factor anymore. Everyone know what they want first and they go for it (even me). There is no upper hand anymore. 

Also I realized how cold my mother has become yesterday. When i reached home after work, i wasn’t feeling good, had fever and my headache was killing, i asked for a cup of tea ( our fav beverage) couple of times and told her i wasn’t well, but she went on doing whatever she was and didn’t care. When i was getting worse I told her i needed something to eat so i could take a medicine, then she got me a cup of tea and said i could take biscuits. I asked if she could get me the medicine and she started to scream on me and my brother. Just then the phone rang and she got it(which she rushes to) and it was some of her ‘prospect’ so her voice turned all sugar. I took my tea and went off to rest. Not once did she come to ask me how i was instead she kept screaming from the other room that i should take my medicine or i won’t be able to got to office. there wasn’t any warmth, love or care in her words or actions only a neccessity and adjustment.

I was very sad, sobbed a little and especially when you’re sick you need your dose of love more than the medicine. But i see that my mother has put it all away and is looking for a new family. Sad but true.

I hope I never lose touch with my siblings as the are the only family I have left and I will do all in my power to make them never feel what I feel now.

How to deal with change?

My life is so the same and I’m not very fond of that fact, its the people around me that are changing so much that I don’t know what to do about it. they are just so not what they were and I know that people change with time but what if all your loved one become a complete opposite of what they were.

The most troubling and unacceptable part is my sister. She used to be my deal, fun, hep, confidant, always knows what to do and say, sweet and naught, stylish and peppy sis. She had a terrible break up as her boyfriend cheated her by saying he would marry her and then landed up getting engaged to a girl he knew before H(my sis) and he’s now married to her. Not that H is a homely one looking to stalk guys to marry her, but yes this time she wanted him and that he promised, she didn’t start the marriage talk and she never asked for commitment. But the guy being the bastard that he is, made her so emotionally involved and she took it all. She made plans, was ready to give up her career and marry a guy 6 years elder to her( she’s 23) and do all that it would take to be part of his family, but he just played with her. He broke her heart so bad. I hate to see her turned into this sad person, she can’t stay happy for long, if we chat before going to sleep(we share the room) she eventually land up talking about him and i get so angry. I just don’t know how to see her like this, its all this stress and she started hogging like a pig and put on weight also, which led to even drooping her confidence levels underground and i try telling her she’s so much better than to cry over what that SOB did to her. But i think some wounds just take a lifetime (or that’s what it seems to me) to heal. I don’t know how to see my sister so sad, so alone, so  low confident and so not herself. Its just to much pain. This has been the hardest thing for me to accept that my bubbly and firecracker sister is now a sad and moaning person.

Another change recently is my friend S. We were the best of friends in college for 3 years until we had some issue and stopped talking at all. Then somehow i gathered the guts and reached her a after a year and a half and we both had our regrets and sorry’s and got back to being friends. Since getting back as friends I haven’t met her, she lives in another part of the country and recently is home for a couple of days.  She told me that she was coming and we planned to meet. we did meet but it was so different, on the phone i could talk to her like old times, but when i met her i just couldn’t open up. Maybe its also  got to do with the fact that she’s turned into ultra hip and fashioned person and I’m not so hip types, I’m not plain also, but I’m not used to being around that kina people. By that kina I mean put up, top much make up, style and all. I don’t know it didn’t feel like her. So now she wants to catch up again, but i don’t feel like. Maybe that she’s changed is somewhat strange to me and its not just the way she dresses, its also her ways and stuff. Well she has been living with this hippie kina guy( the reason why we fought back then) and although i have no qualms about what or who she is with, i think she’s become like him, not think i could see it. Its weird. I once had a friend who was all simple, too nervous, making fun of herself and now i see a very put up, hippie, smoking, care a damn attitude girl and its like I’m with a stranger. she just asked if we can catch up today and i don’t know what to do.

The 3rd change around me is my younger brother L. He’s in his early teens and getting into that rebellious mode and i don’t know how to deal with him. If he doesn’t listen to me that shouting t him makes it worse and he’s so damn arrogant these days that u can’t talk him into listing to you. Its weird coz i know i gave my mom a tuff time in my teens and to see him growing to do that is too much to handle.

Lastly and not the least please, although my mind and heart have accepted that my mom wants to get married and leave us and this bloody compromising life, but i still can’t accept to see her doing those hot chats on-line, going to meet new people and being so happy while talking to them and so rude and mad at us all the time. I just cant see that my mother changed into something so vulgar and cheap. she was so gracious and classy and now she chats to every other guy on net and god knows what all. I know she wants a better life but i can’t seem to accept her like this.

Mother’s Day and me!

Its May8 again. Another Mother’s day and I think celebration is what all mothers look forward to. i have no clue what makes my mother happy.  She’s been in a different world ever since i lost my Dad. She feels free and wants to live a new life.I’m not saying she’s happy about my Dad, just that she never loved life when she was with him and always asked for something different. A different life, with a handsome man and all the money to live happily ever after. But she never mentions us in these dreams, its like she wishes she never had us in her life so she wouldn’t have had to cut us out .

Im glad to see her happy but it hurts that she doesn’t want us around.

She loves my brother( the youngest, still in school), but i think she’s lost the love for me and my sister. She often says she’s going to all she always wanted but never got the chance to and i feel its great for her.

Sometimes i feel I have lost my mother, though she still lives with us and hasn’t started her new life with anyone(still looking), but i miss being cared for and loved and pampered. Its not just that I’m not a kid anymore, its more like she’s not there even when she is.

On this Mother’s day I wish all her dreams come true, even if we are not a part of it. I wish her life of joy and happiness and health and love. I think she has given up her life and dreams till now for us and now its only fair in return to forgive her for giving up her love for us. I hope you are happy always.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MUMMA!