Updates..

Hey there. Didn’t pull out time for updates here and neither did i get time to think much.

All is going good, shifted into a new house, its good but little expensive,but I’m sure my sis is gonna get a heavy cheque job soon and its all gonna be fine. The place is really cool, its on 3rd floor, so everyone is hoping to shed few kilo’s except my bro (he’s skinny already) , its got this large open space ahead that is half covered, so we’ve set up a a nice seating arrangement there, it looks like an open cafe and with the rain pouring these days, its the perfect place to relax with a coffee mug, watching the rain. WOW! this seems to be getting better and  better as I explain huh?

Work has been busy and I’m happy about that. I am still going for my dance classes on weekends, so now I’m being referred to as the ‘older batch people’ ( along with my batch mates), sounds really good. I’m thinking of continuing for long time and trying to reach higher levels (they have 6 levels and I’m in the beginners). Its nice, i always wanted to learn something and now that I am I don’t just want to be a summer hobby Kinna thing, i really want to learn it.

Apart from all that, nothing much, still setting and settling into the new home. Hope everything goes fine

cheers!

How do i write???

Hello people! need some help here, was just looking for some insight on how exactly are my writing and expressing skills. So if you’ve a little time and patience, could i get some feedback on my blogs. PS: read the Aug, Dec 07 blogs, i had lot of time to think then.

And btw I am going to write a book anyways, so why am i asking this? Coz any feedback will only make my book better.

To make this more easy you can give me rating b/w 1-10, (10 being best) on the following parameters:

a) Language

b) grammer

c) expressive

d) engrossing

e) deep and honest

f) worth being published

g) could be a writer

h) to the point

i) makes sense

j) makes reader feel connected

and here’s a subjective question:

What according you is my area of master until now. None of my writing is fiction till  now, but still what kind of stuff do you think i capture and should work on?

With a heavy heart..

Yesterday night my heart felt so heavy. I didnt’ know why, just like most of the times. When I don’t know what’s troubling me I usually think about all the things that happened that day, all the thoughts that crossed my mind and all that i did, see or hear. Well i couldn’t sit down with all that yesterday as I had to sleep and had work in morning, but now I want to write all of it so I know why I felt what i did.

1. I had a fight with my so-called- best-friend ‘S’. A group of my aquantaices had plans for last Saturday and S called and said to plan something up. So I included her into my plans and we all went out. i made arrangements for her pick and drop and everything. she also dragged her younger sister along. Then at the party my sis(part of my friend circle) started flirting with a cute guy, she wasn’t making out or anything but she only danced. after the party i got S and her sis dropped back home and made sure they ate something and all that. the next day i get to know S’s sister had made pathetic comments on my sister. How dare she! this got me so pissed and i called S and told her that her sis has said so and so and I’m hurt about that. she told that she had no idea about it all and she will talk to her sister and get back to me. she called me but i missed the call and from then we haven’t spoken. I sent her a MSG saying to call before leaving( that is 2mrw) and if not than thanks for the welcoming visit. Since then I’m not sure about what i did was right or not and all that. But the whole thing sucks. and moreover I didn’t feel any connection to her, u know that warm bonding wasn’t there. Even though we partied all nite we didn’t speak for 5 minutes.

HISTORY:BTW S works in another city  and is home for 2 weeks. We used to best friends in college until we had a big fight and didn’t speak of a year and half. Then I gathered the courage to talk to her again and we decided to be friends again. this getting together happened only after she had left the city and I have met her only once since then. This time she came for a long holiday so we thought we could catch up n stuff. But like always she wants me to make all the arrangements and all she does is complain and make excuses. and i also realized that she’s not very much eager to meet me either wen she comes, she always has something or the other to do and I’m always trying to make plans work.

2. I saw these street kid begging at a crossing and he had an infant with him. he himself was 4-5 years old and although  I know its nit a very rare site in India but my heart felt a pinch. I know I want to help them, these street kids but I’m not just getting started. I’m making my own family stable and I’m guilty that all I’m doing is feeling sorry.

3. Thoughts about my male friend ‘A’ also filled my mind. Sometime back I had got ot know that he had feelings for me and then I kept such a distance from him. Sometimes I htink he cares too much about me but i hate the idea of him feeing anything but friendship for me. These thoughts are not nice. I don’t like them, he’s my friend and after all the mistakes he made and i forgave himhe couldn’t do this to me. I cannot bear the thought of him liking me and whenever i remember all that i doubt does he still the same?’ . all of this in spite him ever telling anything to me directly and i got to know from a common friend. Why can’t friends just be friends?  

I slept with a heavy heart and couldn’t sleep well. I ole up at 3am and started having a headache since then. It lasted even half through the morning. I’ve also not been sleeping well past couple of weeks and its troubling me. maybe its coz i don’t exercise anymore  and that’s another thing i need to sort out.

 

Me happy?

Listing to the song David Cook voice in the song “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for” and thought that’s where I am right now. I know I want happiness but where and how i know not.

When I was with my bf (now ex for the past 1 year), I always thought he made me happy, fell secure and I always wanted to show to everyone else what I had. I always wanted to change things about him and thought it qould make me happy if that happened. Strange but true!

I now realize happiness is not an object, its not a reaction to what people say to think about you. Its not an entity, its perhaps just a state of mind. When you love yourself, when you don’t want to change anyhting about yourself, when you are living life , when you are breathing the air and feeling the rain, its every moment of knowing you are where you are meant to be and you don’t retaliate anything and don’t fight yourself. Its knowing who you are and accepting it.

Sadly I’m not happy right now and I still want to change so many things about myself (majorly want to get slim). Hope I live in happy state someday soon and find a happy me.  

Patience answered.

Its so unlike me to sit quietly and wait. Just wait for the right thing to happen at the right moment. Not questioning why ? So after lots of cribbing and crying, throwing my legs and hands and having the worst days of work, I became laid back. I somehow got used to the idea that unfair things will happen to me and this senior (bitch) will never let me do anything good. I was even convinced that I was going to be stuck with her for the rest of my days in this place and at the end of the year she would give a pathetic feedback. Well I have no doubt if she gets the chance she will still do that. Anyways so then came my chance, today i got to know that I might be moving to a different location and under some other senior. that is AMAZING!
I’d love to get a chance to prove myself that i can be good at this collegues relationship and i will try to work hard on that. Also i think i needed this as I could see my confidence fading away to be what i wanted to be. I hope to get this chance and if i do. i’ll definetly make the most of it. :))
so just to keep a track of it, here’s my list of To Do’s for my new chance:
1) Observe and learn.
2) Don’t make an opinion about any1 too soon.
3) Never let your face say what you feel.
4)Try to stay away from bitching.
5) Build professional relation.
6) don’t share much personal details.
7) Be EXCELLENT at work.
No silly mistakes please.
9) Be careful and learn the politics around. (wicked)

Am I a cribber?

The past months of my life have got me thinking “Am i a cribber?”, one who always finds fault in everything around and only cries about it, does nothing to improve it, looks back at the past to find it good, looks at others and their lives to feel jealous and does nothing for herself but wine about the bad life they have.

Yes, I accept that I have been complaining a lot lately, its my work, its no work. I come to the office, sit idle or do the itsy bitsy like preparing a report that goes at the end of the day, keep checking and altering it again and again, keep searching the net, read mails, surf more net, eat lunch, then tea, send the reports(2) and leave. its like there’s no reason (apart from the money), no passion, no creativity( hard in IT field), no productivity and also no usefullness. Am I the one to blame if I feel the situation is bad and I can’t change it, coz I need the money for my family. I know its the worst of situatons that test your strength and patience, but I seem to be loosing it all now. 

I noticed that I am usually into negative talking, saying bad and thinking of all the bad too. I am worried. I don’t want to loose my liveliness( whatever is left) and I want to be positive and ahppy.

People and my surroundings have always affected me greatly, but I still fail to let negative people from getting to me. There’s always good and bad, but how do you stop the bad from spoiling all your good. I am so worried about my state of mind. i ust cannot sit idle like this. Even as I say this I know I will have to be here atleast till I find a better place, which might tale 2-3 months, but seriously all these people sitting idle with no work, no enthusiasm makes me sick. it makes me feel like I’m dead. Man this place sucks!

Also I know I’m a very impulsive person, I react very fact, make judgements very quickly, give away my word very easily and by the standards of an IT professional this might be just a little down time(2 mnths now), but this uselsss and no energy work is so not good for me, professionally and also personally.

I funny you know, I want to work, take challenges, deadline, prove my worth, give my best, deliver great results but they won’t give me work. I couldn’t be coz I’m not efficient, coz on my last project I did excellently. The only reason I can think of is this bitchy senior of mine, who has btw gothe position by getting into the managers pants( that’s the rumour). These people SUCK!

All this also makes me think if at all I am in the right place, not organization but profession. I don’t know, all I know I want to save myself from this bloody useless people. I want to live life, work hard and get the results I deserve. And believe me I deserve so much more and better.

If anyone has ideas of how to save myself, do let me know.

 

How to be just Supportive?

I’ve been facing this problem for sometime now in my life. It happens when you care about a person and they are either following a wrong path, inspite of your advices and warnings, or when they are repeating unproductive and uselesss conversations and repeatedly for a long time.

It so happens that my impulsiveness cannot be calmed and controlled and I mouth every bit of my thought. My sister broke up with her BoyFriend of 5 months and ever since she’s met him all she talks about his him. That was understandable as is obvious, but instead of my reminding her not to get involved so deeply she did and got hurt badly, the guy ditched her for some rich NRI female.

I know it must be hard on her, but now its been months and all she talk is abusing the guy and questions like ‘why did he do this?’. Its not only frustating but intolerable. I want her to feel smart and happy and confident and like she deserves so much better and can get any decent guy she wants. but i end up telling her ‘listen can you talk about something else, coz i can’t take this rubbish anymore’./ She tells me imnot supportive.

Maybe yes im not, but i am in bad times and thats what matters. Im sorry if i cant take peope feeling helpless when they are not and crying over something for soo long that you forget what it actually was, and dying for the guy who made a fool of you right in your face and you let him.

I have been accused of not being supportive before by many of my close friends. But the truth is im trying to be supportive but i just don’t know how to ???

bossy types…

Sometimes you come across the weirdest of people, they might be the best  for others but for you they’re just unwanted and unrequired troublesome creatures.

Its usually the boos types (or trying to be boss types). Now if writing about someone gives them some importance(in my life), then that’s not the case here.

Its all the buggingness that has made me write this. This female who is my senior at work but she likes to say that ‘i report to her’(gaining importance for nothing), has literally been sucking my blood. She’s a meek but arrogant and very very cunning lady. She got to be senior by all wrong means (i hear from office people coz i just joined), thinks she owns the people who work with her but are junior to her.

Here’s the biggest misconception , i don’t report to nobody, i work as a team and we are all teammates, and some are senior with experience to share and teach others and some are new learners with fresh minds and young hearts.

I think she has some inferiority problem, either she’s jealous of me (maybe because I’m better looking) or maybe young(she kina 30+, has a bad dressing sense and no sense of carrying herself), or it could be that she wants to enjoy the domination part.

But lady that’s not how work is done. The funny thing is that with all these wrong illusions and ideas she still gets away with it, coz shes very witty and smart when it comes to work. not over intelligent but managed and quick.(see i know the good things also).

But why would someone be after your life, waiting for you to make a mistake and jump on you, try to make you feel that you are wrong and not behaving well, where as you do nothing not bad to them. Oh ya i know, it because i don’t do shoe licking and i never will. The other people around her are always doing so and if i don;’t she thinks i don’t give her importance.

Its so true ‘Respect cannot be demanded but only commanded’. and I for one(few others also) have no respect for a person who doesn’t know how to command respect. i never try to impress or make personal favors to get the likeliness of seniors or people whom i can benefit from. Its all below my dignity. I can only do my work, do it good and that’s all, co-operate in work and have a good time doing what i do.

I think no matter how hard she tries to pull me down, it will only make my belief in myself stronger, because if she doesn’t want me to grow she’s scared i might out do her and it only shows that even she believes that I’m better than her, both as a person and at work too.

Cant say to her face so I’ll write it down: you unwanted and disgusting person ..you might try to embarrass me, even might try to pull me down, magnify my mistakes and show you rule me, but all this only shows that you are a BITCH , a scared, complexity suffering, inferiority feeling, depressed and dying to get attention BITCH! and I might feel little sad for a while, maybe even get sad but then I’ll wake up to rise above your petty crap and cunningness coz cunning people might get above in the beginning but in the end only honest people win.

(Feel soo good after saying it)

IN and OUT!

Its weird with me. I say i don’t care what people think and say, but I do care when it involves how I look out there. To this world,not that I’m talking of appearance only, but also as a person. i don’t want any1 to think of me as what I’m not. Its not right, I’m kind so they shouldn’t call me anything else.

It funny coz even when it comes to appearance i do care. I dress up or keep my hair a certain way and with to get compliments! like myself being me is not enough. I don;t pretend and thank god i don’t.But i wish they knew me as me. I wish i could be accepted as just me.

Most of this has come to me because of my sister. she has a good taste, in clothes to books to all (except men). she is very choosy and particular but has a bad habit of commenting on others! others who are different, not so exclusive. she does dat to me also. i sometimes really forget what my choice would be coz I’m so scared of her making fun of me. she doesn’t respect difference. but I’m so different than her. she’s a doll, all girlie and pink and me I’m a rebel, like to go for weird dark and funky stuff. but being myself is so difficult with her. so these days im not exactly me and I’m not what she like. I’m stuck at somewhere where I’m not able to express my inner me and on the outside I’m this someone trying so hard not be made fun of.

i want to be me and love myself. but don’t know why i cant do that either.

BORED!!

I was hoping for better things to come my way, for more learning ,challenging ways and work, but all I have right now is something boring, nothing to learn, nonew to look out. Its this project that i’m working on right now, its old and nothing to do. And the worst(or good in a wierd way) is that i’m th only one on it, no other team mates. Oh..i want to learn and grow, maybe this teaches me patience but thats not adding to my resume.

Im not so career oriented as i sound, but i get bored if i have no work and if you know its gona be like that for sometime now. I don’t want to loose interest and feel like its and obligation. i want to enjoy and be happy about it. have work and enjoy! Not too much to ask, is it?