I started blogging when I had too much free time in my office and Internet was the only tool i had to my rescue.
I write whats on my mind. I write for myself, to get the baggage off my chest. I never intended there to be an audience to acknowledge me but when I did few comments coming in I was excited. My thoughts and blogs were read and that felt good. Although yes, without the anonymous identity this would have difficult (no, I’m no celebrity ).
Why do you blog? For yourself? For the audience? Do you sometimes alter work writing thinking that this might not be too interesting to read?
how do you let go of all the blame when you are still suffering from the after-effects of someone’s mistakes. Is their part over after saying sorry and leaving you in the turmoil of anger and pain and regret and confusion.
How i wish i knew. But being honest on your part does make your raise expectations high from the other one also. So what do i do now? Never be honest again? This hurts!
How do you move-on when in your heart you still blame them for all that happened and that you are suffering.
I know I am here, breathing, seeing and sensing. It is me , in every scene, in all the doing, at every sound and of-course the being. But is this ‘My Life’ I cannot say. I sound selfish and may be I am, but I know I want happiness and that I deserve. Seconds and hours, days and nights, week & months, is this mine? I can’t seem to own it and neither control, its like I’m tied to a thread and all i can to is be told. I wasn’t very clear in the beginning but now i am, this is not ‘my life’ coz this is not who i am.
What if this was it and I didn’t even know? If time was passing by me and was busy alone. Am i sleeping with open eyes or these are my dreams turning to nightmares, could i just get what i want or have i thrown it away?
I fight to be me, to find myself everyday. If ’my life’ is this then it is my ’struggle’ everyday.
I was out on Saturday with my friends, well technically with my sis and her friend and her friend’s boyfriend and some of his friends. We went to a nice club, talked. laughed and apart from the fact that none of the boys could dance it was all nice.
I saw this cute guy standing and watching the people dance and had the ‘ i’ll show you what dance is’ look. He was very cute. The first thing that attracted me was obviously his eyes( I’m deadly attracted to guys with a different eye color). He was tall say 5′11, fair, kina rock look on a decent guy type, broad, a little plump but very hot, and his attitude was killer. Phew! anyways so i did give him few glances and smiled at him but he didn’t respond. That is what happens to me mostly but I’m hoping I’m gonna meet someone very soon.
Now this is what I’m talking about ‘Normal behavior’. I still am miles away from the idea of a relationship but yes i do realize that it would be good to date and get some personal attention from cute, decent, handsome, rich guys.
So yes, i am ok with dating now. When, where and how will I find someone suitable enough to ‘only date’ is still to be found.
I am not a believer of astrology and stars and birth charts. Somehow the logic isn’t totally convincing. For one, all the astrologers and palmists that my parents visited always said my dad a long life and he’s been gone since 7 years now. This made whatever little belief I had in them also fade away. But yes I do believe in luck and coincidence. I do read the tarot reading section for a particular newspaper as it has turned out right many a times, but i don’t live by it. In the same spirit, i also opted for a free online astrology service and while most of their mails are only advertisements and junk, the ones stating the place and moving of planets have been right few times. The most believable part has been the mail that significantly marked the date 8thaugust in my life to bring an change, accomplishment or achieving something that will be with me for sometime and marked that 10th august will be the complete this cycle of something new. I had got my first job interview on 9th august and got selected on 10th August. I read the mail days after i got selected.
Then just yesterday when I decided that I will complete my first novel in 3 months, then i checked my mail today to find the below mail with DATES mentioned. I received this mail on Monday, 3 November, 2008 8:01 PM
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Dear Nidhi,
November 4th marks a new beginning with the first of five oppositions between Saturn, the planet of authority and experience, and Uranus, the maverick planet of change. From the personal to the collective, we all are faced with the need to build upon experience in some areas of life, while being flexible and open to changes in other areas. The opposition between these two planets represents one of the most important themes we will experience over the next year-and a-half. The dates for these oppositions are: November 4, 2008, February 5, 2009, September 15, 2009, April 26, 2010 and July 26, 2010.
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Just observe that the mail clearly has dates November 4th, then next date is exactly 3 months after i.e February 5th and next is September 15th. So is this a coincidence?? I’m not sure at all. If this is true then I’m guessing that my novel is going to get published by September 15th.
I need something to cheer me
to make my heart ache less
will some drinking help
no, it only makes me more fat
i thought something i don’t remember anymore
it left behind a scar and nothing more
the face i see doesn’t smile at me
eyes blank
looking for hope
searching so desperately
look around myself
what i need to fix up
my hair, my relationships or my life
its just my heart that dosen’t listen
it needs something
to comfort, to clinge onto
nothing seems to work
im searching and searching
im searching and now i know what i want
what i want is me
true and as just as me
that smile
those hopes
those star lit eyes
what i need is just to be me
not what i think i need to be
no ’should’ or ‘want to’
just the one i see and recognize
Being me is what makes me
Our lives are full of good and bad. just like there is happiness there is sad. There are always two sides of the coin.
I have a good memory and more than in exams or where its needed, it usually is very sharp in terms of life and events. More particularly on mistakes. I know its good to remember your fault so you don’t repeat them. But sometimes keeping them with yourself for so long, turns them into regrets.
I did regret many of my decisions, thought they were the worst days of my life and how much ever i wished i could not get over those regrets. My sharp memory kept track of them and pricked on me with them from time to time.
So why can’t we let go of our mistakes and move on. Part of the reason maybe that you haven’t got into the same situation again, so you can choose the right path this time and know that you have corrected yourself now.
Each regret holds a lesson, but not every mistake a ‘next-time’ option. While i am still struggling with my regrets and trying to loose them, here are few thoughts that might come help when we feel like everything we did was so wrong and there’s no way we could mend it:
1. There’s always a better way to look at things.
2. You are your worst critic,so its not as bad as you think it is.
3. Learning is not always about implementing, it sometimes means keeping patience and knowing that you did learn.
4. Regrets are the negative side to a better you.
5. Regrets only keep you away from a happy you.
6. Mistakes need to be made, it makes you human.
7. Learning the lesson and letting go is what we should think of.
8. Be kind to yourself you deserve it.
9. Don’t think of what happened, think what you can do now.
10. Regret is only one side of the coin, lessons are on the other side.
11. We learn only when we accept what we did, regret is not accepting you fault.
Hope to turn to this page anytime i face my regrets. So, DON”T REGRET IT, JUST LEARN FROM IT! :)
Hey there. Didn’t pull out time for updates here and neither did i get time to think much.
All is going good, shifted into a new house, its good but little expensive,but I’m sure my sis is gonna get a heavy cheque job soon and its all gonna be fine. The place is really cool, its on 3rd floor, so everyone is hoping to shed few kilo’s except my bro (he’s skinny already) , its got this large open space ahead that is half covered, so we’ve set up a a nice seating arrangement there, it looks like an open cafe and with the rain pouring these days, its the perfect place to relax with a coffee mug, watching the rain. WOW! this seems to be getting better and better as I explain huh?
Work has been busy and I’m happy about that. I am still going for my dance classes on weekends, so now I’m being referred to as the ‘older batch people’ ( along with my batch mates), sounds really good. I’m thinking of continuing for long time and trying to reach higher levels (they have 6 levels and I’m in the beginners). Its nice, i always wanted to learn something and now that I am I don’t just want to be a summer hobby Kinna thing, i really want to learn it.
Apart from all that, nothing much, still setting and settling into the new home. Hope everything goes fine
Hello people! need some help here, was just looking for some insight on how exactly are my writing and expressing skills. So if you’ve a little time and patience, could i get some feedback on my blogs. PS: read the Aug, Dec 07 blogs, i had lot of time to think then.
And btw I am going to write a book anyways, so why am i asking this? Coz any feedback will only make my book better.
To make this more easy you can give me rating b/w 1-10, (10 being best) on the following parameters:
a) Language
b) grammer
c) expressive
d) engrossing
e) deep and honest
f) worth being published
g) could be a writer
h) to the point
i) makes sense
j) makes reader feel connected
and here’s a subjective question:
What according you is my area of master until now. None of my writing is fiction till now, but still what kind of stuff do you think i capture and should work on?
Yesterday night my heart felt so heavy. I didnt’ know why, just like most of the times. When I don’t know what’s troubling me I usually think about all the things that happened that day, all the thoughts that crossed my mind and all that i did, see or hear. Well i couldn’t sit down with all that yesterday as I had to sleep and had work in morning, but now I want to write all of it so I know why I felt what i did.
1. I had a fight with my so-called- best-friend ‘S’. A group of my aquantaices had plans for last Saturday and S called and said to plan something up. So I included her into my plans and we all went out. i made arrangements for her pick and drop and everything. she also dragged her younger sister along. Then at the party my sis(part of my friend circle) started flirting with a cute guy, she wasn’t making out or anything but she only danced. after the party i got S and her sis dropped back home and made sure they ate something and all that. the next day i get to know S’s sister had made pathetic comments on my sister. How dare she! this got me so pissed and i called S and told her that her sis has said so and so and I’m hurt about that. she told that she had no idea about it all and she will talk to her sister and get back to me. she called me but i missed the call and from then we haven’t spoken. I sent her a MSG saying to call before leaving( that is 2mrw) and if not than thanks for the welcoming visit. Since then I’m not sure about what i did was right or not and all that. But the whole thing sucks. and moreover I didn’t feel any connection to her, u know that warm bonding wasn’t there. Even though we partied all nite we didn’t speak for 5 minutes.
HISTORY:BTW S works in another city and is home for 2 weeks. We used to best friends in college until we had a big fight and didn’t speak of a year and half. Then I gathered the courage to talk to her again and we decided to be friends again. this getting together happened only after she had left the city and I have met her only once since then. This time she came for a long holiday so we thought we could catch up n stuff. But like always she wants me to make all the arrangements and all she does is complain and make excuses. and i also realized that she’s not very much eager to meet me either wen she comes, she always has something or the other to do and I’m always trying to make plans work.
2. I saw these street kid begging at a crossing and he had an infant with him. he himself was 4-5 years old and although I know its nit a very rare site in India but my heart felt a pinch. I know I want to help them, these street kids but I’m not just getting started. I’m making my own family stable and I’m guilty that all I’m doing is feeling sorry.
3. Thoughts about my male friend ‘A’ also filled my mind. Sometime back I had got ot know that he had feelings for me and then I kept such a distance from him. Sometimes I htink he cares too much about me but i hate the idea of him feeing anything but friendship for me. These thoughts are not nice. I don’t like them, he’s my friend and after all the mistakes he made and i forgave himhe couldn’t do this to me. I cannot bear the thought of him liking me and whenever i remember all that i doubt does he still the same?’ . all of this in spite him ever telling anything to me directly and i got to know from a common friend. Why can’t friends just be friends?
I slept with a heavy heart and couldn’t sleep well. I ole up at 3am and started having a headache since then. It lasted even half through the morning. I’ve also not been sleeping well past couple of weeks and its troubling me. maybe its coz i don’t exercise anymore and that’s another thing i need to sort out.
).
That is what happens to me mostly but I’m hoping I’m gonna meet someone very soon.
newme