I started blogging when I had too much free time in my office and Internet was the only tool i had to my rescue.
I write whats on my mind. I write for myself, to get the baggage off my chest. I never intended there to be an audience to acknowledge me but when I did few comments coming in I was excited. My thoughts and blogs were read and that felt good. Although yes, without the anonymous identity this would have difficult (no, I’m no celebrity ).
Why do you blog? For yourself? For the audience? Do you sometimes alter work writing thinking that this might not be too interesting to read?
This usually happens to be, I have ideas, sentences and stories in my head and if i don’t pen them down quickly and give them a second thought then i loose my words or loose interest in them. The thoughts are usually how the will the work be when finished ? will anyone like it ? am i making any sense ? and on.. and on.
I better stop thinking and start writing, as I’m already behind my dream project, well technically not ‘dream project’ coz i don’t remember dreaming about it .
I am not a believer of astrology and stars and birth charts. Somehow the logic isn’t totally convincing. For one, all the astrologers and palmists that my parents visited always said my dad a long life and he’s been gone since 7 years now. This made whatever little belief I had in them also fade away. But yes I do believe in luck and coincidence. I do read the tarot reading section for a particular newspaper as it has turned out right many a times, but i don’t live by it. In the same spirit, i also opted for a free online astrology service and while most of their mails are only advertisements and junk, the ones stating the place and moving of planets have been right few times. The most believable part has been the mail that significantly marked the date 8thaugust in my life to bring an change, accomplishment or achieving something that will be with me for sometime and marked that 10th august will be the complete this cycle of something new. I had got my first job interview on 9th august and got selected on 10th August. I read the mail days after i got selected.
Then just yesterday when I decided that I will complete my first novel in 3 months, then i checked my mail today to find the below mail with DATES mentioned. I received this mail on Monday, 3 November, 2008 8:01 PM
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Dear Nidhi,
November 4th marks a new beginning with the first of five oppositions between Saturn, the planet of authority and experience, and Uranus, the maverick planet of change. From the personal to the collective, we all are faced with the need to build upon experience in some areas of life, while being flexible and open to changes in other areas. The opposition between these two planets represents one of the most important themes we will experience over the next year-and a-half. The dates for these oppositions are: November 4, 2008, February 5, 2009, September 15, 2009, April 26, 2010 and July 26, 2010.
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Just observe that the mail clearly has dates November 4th, then next date is exactly 3 months after i.e February 5th and next is September 15th. So is this a coincidence?? I’m not sure at all. If this is true then I’m guessing that my novel is going to get published by September 15th.
I have always known what i want in my life and my decisions have never been anyone else’s but mine. I think its right and I go ahead with it, no matter what people/family others have to say and if I don’t think its good( not just for me, but in general), then no matter who you are I will not agree (And I keep trying to learn diplomacy ) Anyways, but there’s this part of my life right now where I am struggling with what I take for myself and what I give to my family. I know I am responsible for them and I am sometimes scared of the burden, but I know I will pull through and make them happy. Its this argument of whether I deserve the happiness while i have still not completely made them happy that is making me guilty many times. I know I owe them happiness but does this mean I reject myself . Every time I spend/invest/take time to find some solitude happiness there’s a guilt that they(family) are not enjoying while I am. It even gets down to smaller stuff, like me enjoying my dance classes, spending on gym, while they do not have any such interests but if they did it is hard to think if they could pursue them or not. Now please don’t think that i am a selfish bitch and spend huge amounts on myself, no i don’t. And with the little amount i spend on myself there is a debate if it is justified or not. Why do i question that is it on the cost of my family sacrifices that I am finding happiness. I hate to see myself in these pitiable situations. It makes me sound weird and something that I am not. maybe I don’t know the right words to express this well but this isn’t what i want.
So do I deserve to be happy when I am trying my best to make my family happy. Strangely I know the answer but somehow am unable to make my conscience accept it. I know it takes time for thinks to get better, but am unable to feel that even i am only taking a chance to feel better.
In the last 23 years of my life, there have been but few instances that I found myself surrounded by a group of people, talking, chatting, laughing and actually living that moment. Now of course we are leaving out the family here coz your family cannot be counted as part of you social crowd, they mean much more. I remember in school, i used to be my sister’s tail and follow her around, I hadonly one good friend at a time and maybe two maxed for small durations. I even remember myself sitting alone in the ground while my sister was having a good time witha bunch of kids, i would blankly look around, walk around and sit there ‘alone’. its kind of weird, coz adults i know get weird and have weird reasons to be alone for space, thinking and all reasons which can be understood by only the person who is giving those reasons, but children are always around children, if not playing then fighting(which i did a lot!) or something or the other. But children don’t be alone.
If I look at my so called little social life right now, its pretty much the same, I only have one good friend at a time , a not by my choice situation. Its difficult to have s many important people in your life and then knowing exactly who is how much important and when who takes the priority and your time and who doesn’t. Not that I had to go thorough all this deciding many times, but yes a few and even imagining it boggles me. I have more than I can remember moments of being alone, walking alone, sitting alone. I have hardly made any new friends since school, two of count. I go to parties( mostly with my sister) and meet people but have not actually made friends, even my sisters friends are not my friends. I’ve tried hard to bond, take the first step, make a connection, understand what they are saying , but have not quite made it. Either they got on my nerves or I failed the patience to listen to utter crap(according to me that is).
So I thought am I loner kina person? those type who like to live by themselves and enjoy alone and are happy with all the time they spend with themselves only. I don’t think so, because there is one important thing to mention here, during all those lonely moments, i have always wanted company, never been happy by myself sitting in the corner and watching others. i always longed for a group of people who knew who I was, loved me , cared for me, hated me, made fun of me and just were there with me. Even today, in those alone times, i wish i have some people, not one special person, but friends you know, someone you can call and chat, who call you and chat and who know me and i know them.
There is only one time exception in my life for all the above facts, that was last four years of school. I had a group of friends and yes I was close to them and I am still in touch with the good best pals. thought we don’t talk so often and all but yes we still connect.
Don’t know when or where or how many times I’ve heard this song, but it seems to be the first thought that comes to my mind every morning and funny as it sounds its actually its the song that rings in my head rather that just the words. And next i have a broad smile and get off the bed to start the ‘New day’.
I’ve realized that simple things make me happy.
Like a nice hug from my mom( doesn’t happy very often);
an honest comment on my blogs( just got one today and okay it was flattering, but hey i even respect other opinions, see my other blog for an example);
a song on the radio that i was searching for from many days;
a happy thougth;
pics of my childhood;
a lazy afternoon chit chatting with my sister;
watching the rain and smiling to myself like an idiot;
dancing;
knowing that one day i will be what i want to be;
even observing others at times.
I observe people a lot, just look at them behaving, reacting, not reacting, trying to be aloof, pretending, smiling, faking a smile, trying to hide themselves , trying to be someone else. I really do observe a lot and maybe it helps me write about so many things and emotions. Maybe that’s what i am, an observant writer, don’t even know if that is a word. But who care if its up to me, then I’m starting out a brand new day .
I need something to cheer me
to make my heart ache less
will some drinking help
no, it only makes me more fat
i thought something i don’t remember anymore
it left behind a scar and nothing more
the face i see doesn’t smile at me
eyes blank
looking for hope
searching so desperately
look around myself
what i need to fix up
my hair, my relationships or my life
its just my heart that dosen’t listen
it needs something
to comfort, to clinge onto
nothing seems to work
im searching and searching
im searching and now i know what i want
what i want is me
true and as just as me
that smile
those hopes
those star lit eyes
what i need is just to be me
not what i think i need to be
no ’should’ or ‘want to’
just the one i see and recognize
Being me is what makes me
Our lives are full of good and bad. just like there is happiness there is sad. There are always two sides of the coin.
I have a good memory and more than in exams or where its needed, it usually is very sharp in terms of life and events. More particularly on mistakes. I know its good to remember your fault so you don’t repeat them. But sometimes keeping them with yourself for so long, turns them into regrets.
I did regret many of my decisions, thought they were the worst days of my life and how much ever i wished i could not get over those regrets. My sharp memory kept track of them and pricked on me with them from time to time.
So why can’t we let go of our mistakes and move on. Part of the reason maybe that you haven’t got into the same situation again, so you can choose the right path this time and know that you have corrected yourself now.
Each regret holds a lesson, but not every mistake a ‘next-time’ option. While i am still struggling with my regrets and trying to loose them, here are few thoughts that might come help when we feel like everything we did was so wrong and there’s no way we could mend it:
1. There’s always a better way to look at things.
2. You are your worst critic,so its not as bad as you think it is.
3. Learning is not always about implementing, it sometimes means keeping patience and knowing that you did learn.
4. Regrets are the negative side to a better you.
5. Regrets only keep you away from a happy you.
6. Mistakes need to be made, it makes you human.
7. Learning the lesson and letting go is what we should think of.
8. Be kind to yourself you deserve it.
9. Don’t think of what happened, think what you can do now.
10. Regret is only one side of the coin, lessons are on the other side.
11. We learn only when we accept what we did, regret is not accepting you fault.
Hope to turn to this page anytime i face my regrets. So, DON”T REGRET IT, JUST LEARN FROM IT! :)
).
newme