Lost touch

Somehow I’ve lost touch to my ‘family’ feeling. I’m still continuing my responsibilities and the stress ofbringing our lives to normal has started haunting my dreams, but still its the warmth of a family I’ve been missing. Its been years since I lost my dad and my mom has never been very warm to me, but as her interest have changed she no longer shows that she’s part of our family. It makes me sad and especially after being the most pampered kid, when you find yourself lost in this ‘care for yourself only’ place, its not nice.

I’ve always love d my family and my siblings are still as close as ever, but what has happened now is the center piece of the puzzled has gone missing making the remaining feel like apart and distant.

Its only natural to have different priorities but now we all have lost the common priority ‘family’. There are decision to be made, plans to be made and other thing’s always. But when it comes to deciding, we don’t have a deciding factor anymore. Everyone know what they want first and they go for it (even me). There is no upper hand anymore. 

Also I realized how cold my mother has become yesterday. When i reached home after work, i wasn’t feeling good, had fever and my headache was killing, i asked for a cup of tea ( our fav beverage) couple of times and told her i wasn’t well, but she went on doing whatever she was and didn’t care. When i was getting worse I told her i needed something to eat so i could take a medicine, then she got me a cup of tea and said i could take biscuits. I asked if she could get me the medicine and she started to scream on me and my brother. Just then the phone rang and she got it(which she rushes to) and it was some of her ‘prospect’ so her voice turned all sugar. I took my tea and went off to rest. Not once did she come to ask me how i was instead she kept screaming from the other room that i should take my medicine or i won’t be able to got to office. there wasn’t any warmth, love or care in her words or actions only a neccessity and adjustment.

I was very sad, sobbed a little and especially when you’re sick you need your dose of love more than the medicine. But i see that my mother has put it all away and is looking for a new family. Sad but true.

I hope I never lose touch with my siblings as the are the only family I have left and I will do all in my power to make them never feel what I feel now.

With a heavy heart..

Yesterday night my heart felt so heavy. I didnt’ know why, just like most of the times. When I don’t know what’s troubling me I usually think about all the things that happened that day, all the thoughts that crossed my mind and all that i did, see or hear. Well i couldn’t sit down with all that yesterday as I had to sleep and had work in morning, but now I want to write all of it so I know why I felt what i did.

1. I had a fight with my so-called- best-friend ‘S’. A group of my aquantaices had plans for last Saturday and S called and said to plan something up. So I included her into my plans and we all went out. i made arrangements for her pick and drop and everything. she also dragged her younger sister along. Then at the party my sis(part of my friend circle) started flirting with a cute guy, she wasn’t making out or anything but she only danced. after the party i got S and her sis dropped back home and made sure they ate something and all that. the next day i get to know S’s sister had made pathetic comments on my sister. How dare she! this got me so pissed and i called S and told her that her sis has said so and so and I’m hurt about that. she told that she had no idea about it all and she will talk to her sister and get back to me. she called me but i missed the call and from then we haven’t spoken. I sent her a MSG saying to call before leaving( that is 2mrw) and if not than thanks for the welcoming visit. Since then I’m not sure about what i did was right or not and all that. But the whole thing sucks. and moreover I didn’t feel any connection to her, u know that warm bonding wasn’t there. Even though we partied all nite we didn’t speak for 5 minutes.

HISTORY:BTW S works in another city  and is home for 2 weeks. We used to best friends in college until we had a big fight and didn’t speak of a year and half. Then I gathered the courage to talk to her again and we decided to be friends again. this getting together happened only after she had left the city and I have met her only once since then. This time she came for a long holiday so we thought we could catch up n stuff. But like always she wants me to make all the arrangements and all she does is complain and make excuses. and i also realized that she’s not very much eager to meet me either wen she comes, she always has something or the other to do and I’m always trying to make plans work.

2. I saw these street kid begging at a crossing and he had an infant with him. he himself was 4-5 years old and although  I know its nit a very rare site in India but my heart felt a pinch. I know I want to help them, these street kids but I’m not just getting started. I’m making my own family stable and I’m guilty that all I’m doing is feeling sorry.

3. Thoughts about my male friend ‘A’ also filled my mind. Sometime back I had got ot know that he had feelings for me and then I kept such a distance from him. Sometimes I htink he cares too much about me but i hate the idea of him feeing anything but friendship for me. These thoughts are not nice. I don’t like them, he’s my friend and after all the mistakes he made and i forgave himhe couldn’t do this to me. I cannot bear the thought of him liking me and whenever i remember all that i doubt does he still the same?’ . all of this in spite him ever telling anything to me directly and i got to know from a common friend. Why can’t friends just be friends?  

I slept with a heavy heart and couldn’t sleep well. I ole up at 3am and started having a headache since then. It lasted even half through the morning. I’ve also not been sleeping well past couple of weeks and its troubling me. maybe its coz i don’t exercise anymore  and that’s another thing i need to sort out.

 

Me happy?

Listing to the song David Cook voice in the song “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for” and thought that’s where I am right now. I know I want happiness but where and how i know not.

When I was with my bf (now ex for the past 1 year), I always thought he made me happy, fell secure and I always wanted to show to everyone else what I had. I always wanted to change things about him and thought it qould make me happy if that happened. Strange but true!

I now realize happiness is not an object, its not a reaction to what people say to think about you. Its not an entity, its perhaps just a state of mind. When you love yourself, when you don’t want to change anyhting about yourself, when you are living life , when you are breathing the air and feeling the rain, its every moment of knowing you are where you are meant to be and you don’t retaliate anything and don’t fight yourself. Its knowing who you are and accepting it.

Sadly I’m not happy right now and I still want to change so many things about myself (majorly want to get slim). Hope I live in happy state someday soon and find a happy me.  

How to deal with change?

My life is so the same and I’m not very fond of that fact, its the people around me that are changing so much that I don’t know what to do about it. they are just so not what they were and I know that people change with time but what if all your loved one become a complete opposite of what they were.

The most troubling and unacceptable part is my sister. She used to be my deal, fun, hep, confidant, always knows what to do and say, sweet and naught, stylish and peppy sis. She had a terrible break up as her boyfriend cheated her by saying he would marry her and then landed up getting engaged to a girl he knew before H(my sis) and he’s now married to her. Not that H is a homely one looking to stalk guys to marry her, but yes this time she wanted him and that he promised, she didn’t start the marriage talk and she never asked for commitment. But the guy being the bastard that he is, made her so emotionally involved and she took it all. She made plans, was ready to give up her career and marry a guy 6 years elder to her( she’s 23) and do all that it would take to be part of his family, but he just played with her. He broke her heart so bad. I hate to see her turned into this sad person, she can’t stay happy for long, if we chat before going to sleep(we share the room) she eventually land up talking about him and i get so angry. I just don’t know how to see her like this, its all this stress and she started hogging like a pig and put on weight also, which led to even drooping her confidence levels underground and i try telling her she’s so much better than to cry over what that SOB did to her. But i think some wounds just take a lifetime (or that’s what it seems to me) to heal. I don’t know how to see my sister so sad, so alone, so  low confident and so not herself. Its just to much pain. This has been the hardest thing for me to accept that my bubbly and firecracker sister is now a sad and moaning person.

Another change recently is my friend S. We were the best of friends in college for 3 years until we had some issue and stopped talking at all. Then somehow i gathered the guts and reached her a after a year and a half and we both had our regrets and sorry’s and got back to being friends. Since getting back as friends I haven’t met her, she lives in another part of the country and recently is home for a couple of days.  She told me that she was coming and we planned to meet. we did meet but it was so different, on the phone i could talk to her like old times, but when i met her i just couldn’t open up. Maybe its also  got to do with the fact that she’s turned into ultra hip and fashioned person and I’m not so hip types, I’m not plain also, but I’m not used to being around that kina people. By that kina I mean put up, top much make up, style and all. I don’t know it didn’t feel like her. So now she wants to catch up again, but i don’t feel like. Maybe that she’s changed is somewhat strange to me and its not just the way she dresses, its also her ways and stuff. Well she has been living with this hippie kina guy( the reason why we fought back then) and although i have no qualms about what or who she is with, i think she’s become like him, not think i could see it. Its weird. I once had a friend who was all simple, too nervous, making fun of herself and now i see a very put up, hippie, smoking, care a damn attitude girl and its like I’m with a stranger. she just asked if we can catch up today and i don’t know what to do.

The 3rd change around me is my younger brother L. He’s in his early teens and getting into that rebellious mode and i don’t know how to deal with him. If he doesn’t listen to me that shouting t him makes it worse and he’s so damn arrogant these days that u can’t talk him into listing to you. Its weird coz i know i gave my mom a tuff time in my teens and to see him growing to do that is too much to handle.

Lastly and not the least please, although my mind and heart have accepted that my mom wants to get married and leave us and this bloody compromising life, but i still can’t accept to see her doing those hot chats on-line, going to meet new people and being so happy while talking to them and so rude and mad at us all the time. I just cant see that my mother changed into something so vulgar and cheap. she was so gracious and classy and now she chats to every other guy on net and god knows what all. I know she wants a better life but i can’t seem to accept her like this.

I didn’t get that chance..

The first thing as I reached my office today was check my inbox for the confirmation of my project change, but it wasn’t there. I said to myself ‘Never mind, you might get it by the end of the day’, but somewhere in my mind the thought that ” now it won’t happen” has already entered. And so after 5 minutes I received a mail from my senior(bitch) that someone else has filled in for the requirement and you will continue with the same project. F*** man! Just when I thought it would all change, made plans to put my best foot ahead and start fresh.

I had a feeling that I was to get this chance as I had accepted the place that I am in, accepted that I will have to be here to fulfill my responsibility and no matter how much I hate all this only god will show me the way through this tough time and bring me what I deserve. But here’s what happened to me, a chance to be better, start fresh, prove myself was dangled in front of my eyes, placed the light of hope and joy, shone my eyes with encouragement and then it was taken away.

I don’t know why but I had a gut feeling I won’t get it, not because I don’t deserve but only because I always get what I want the tuff way. I have to look for it, fight for it, struggle while others get it all so easily.

Not that this was my last golden opportunity or anything but I still I’m not feeling good about it. Now I’m still again to report to this bitch and this will go on till December, then in my appraisal form she would not give good feedback and finally i would leave the company. So that’s gonna be my schedule for the following months.

I also thought that maybe this is god’s plan, he wants me to learn working with the worst people fr the longest time, get a pathetic appraisal, feel cheated and then ready to move on. But Please God whatever your plan let there be something better for me next time and don’t show it to me if ts meant for someone else, please.

Patience answered.

Its so unlike me to sit quietly and wait. Just wait for the right thing to happen at the right moment. Not questioning why ? So after lots of cribbing and crying, throwing my legs and hands and having the worst days of work, I became laid back. I somehow got used to the idea that unfair things will happen to me and this senior (bitch) will never let me do anything good. I was even convinced that I was going to be stuck with her for the rest of my days in this place and at the end of the year she would give a pathetic feedback. Well I have no doubt if she gets the chance she will still do that. Anyways so then came my chance, today i got to know that I might be moving to a different location and under some other senior. that is AMAZING!
I’d love to get a chance to prove myself that i can be good at this collegues relationship and i will try to work hard on that. Also i think i needed this as I could see my confidence fading away to be what i wanted to be. I hope to get this chance and if i do. i’ll definetly make the most of it. :))
so just to keep a track of it, here’s my list of To Do’s for my new chance:
1) Observe and learn.
2) Don’t make an opinion about any1 too soon.
3) Never let your face say what you feel.
4)Try to stay away from bitching.
5) Build professional relation.
6) don’t share much personal details.
7) Be EXCELLENT at work.
No silly mistakes please.
9) Be careful and learn the politics around. (wicked)

I carry your Heart..

I heard this poem in the movie “In Her Shoes”. Cameron Diaz reads it to her sister on her wedding day. Its beautiful.

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart.
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling

i fear no fate,for you are my fate,my sweet
i want no world, for beautiful you are my world,my true
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart.

Mother’s Day and me!

Its May8 again. Another Mother’s day and I think celebration is what all mothers look forward to. i have no clue what makes my mother happy.  She’s been in a different world ever since i lost my Dad. She feels free and wants to live a new life.I’m not saying she’s happy about my Dad, just that she never loved life when she was with him and always asked for something different. A different life, with a handsome man and all the money to live happily ever after. But she never mentions us in these dreams, its like she wishes she never had us in her life so she wouldn’t have had to cut us out .

Im glad to see her happy but it hurts that she doesn’t want us around.

She loves my brother( the youngest, still in school), but i think she’s lost the love for me and my sister. She often says she’s going to all she always wanted but never got the chance to and i feel its great for her.

Sometimes i feel I have lost my mother, though she still lives with us and hasn’t started her new life with anyone(still looking), but i miss being cared for and loved and pampered. Its not just that I’m not a kid anymore, its more like she’s not there even when she is.

On this Mother’s day I wish all her dreams come true, even if we are not a part of it. I wish her life of joy and happiness and health and love. I think she has given up her life and dreams till now for us and now its only fair in return to forgive her for giving up her love for us. I hope you are happy always.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MUMMA!

 

Am I a cribber?

The past months of my life have got me thinking “Am i a cribber?”, one who always finds fault in everything around and only cries about it, does nothing to improve it, looks back at the past to find it good, looks at others and their lives to feel jealous and does nothing for herself but wine about the bad life they have.

Yes, I accept that I have been complaining a lot lately, its my work, its no work. I come to the office, sit idle or do the itsy bitsy like preparing a report that goes at the end of the day, keep checking and altering it again and again, keep searching the net, read mails, surf more net, eat lunch, then tea, send the reports(2) and leave. its like there’s no reason (apart from the money), no passion, no creativity( hard in IT field), no productivity and also no usefullness. Am I the one to blame if I feel the situation is bad and I can’t change it, coz I need the money for my family. I know its the worst of situatons that test your strength and patience, but I seem to be loosing it all now. 

I noticed that I am usually into negative talking, saying bad and thinking of all the bad too. I am worried. I don’t want to loose my liveliness( whatever is left) and I want to be positive and ahppy.

People and my surroundings have always affected me greatly, but I still fail to let negative people from getting to me. There’s always good and bad, but how do you stop the bad from spoiling all your good. I am so worried about my state of mind. i ust cannot sit idle like this. Even as I say this I know I will have to be here atleast till I find a better place, which might tale 2-3 months, but seriously all these people sitting idle with no work, no enthusiasm makes me sick. it makes me feel like I’m dead. Man this place sucks!

Also I know I’m a very impulsive person, I react very fact, make judgements very quickly, give away my word very easily and by the standards of an IT professional this might be just a little down time(2 mnths now), but this uselsss and no energy work is so not good for me, professionally and also personally.

I funny you know, I want to work, take challenges, deadline, prove my worth, give my best, deliver great results but they won’t give me work. I couldn’t be coz I’m not efficient, coz on my last project I did excellently. The only reason I can think of is this bitchy senior of mine, who has btw gothe position by getting into the managers pants( that’s the rumour). These people SUCK!

All this also makes me think if at all I am in the right place, not organization but profession. I don’t know, all I know I want to save myself from this bloody useless people. I want to live life, work hard and get the results I deserve. And believe me I deserve so much more and better.

If anyone has ideas of how to save myself, do let me know.

 

How to be just Supportive?

I’ve been facing this problem for sometime now in my life. It happens when you care about a person and they are either following a wrong path, inspite of your advices and warnings, or when they are repeating unproductive and uselesss conversations and repeatedly for a long time.

It so happens that my impulsiveness cannot be calmed and controlled and I mouth every bit of my thought. My sister broke up with her BoyFriend of 5 months and ever since she’s met him all she talks about his him. That was understandable as is obvious, but instead of my reminding her not to get involved so deeply she did and got hurt badly, the guy ditched her for some rich NRI female.

I know it must be hard on her, but now its been months and all she talk is abusing the guy and questions like ‘why did he do this?’. Its not only frustating but intolerable. I want her to feel smart and happy and confident and like she deserves so much better and can get any decent guy she wants. but i end up telling her ‘listen can you talk about something else, coz i can’t take this rubbish anymore’./ She tells me imnot supportive.

Maybe yes im not, but i am in bad times and thats what matters. Im sorry if i cant take peope feeling helpless when they are not and crying over something for soo long that you forget what it actually was, and dying for the guy who made a fool of you right in your face and you let him.

I have been accused of not being supportive before by many of my close friends. But the truth is im trying to be supportive but i just don’t know how to ???