why are parents so difficult most of the times??

I love my mom, a little atleast I think, not as much as my dad but yes little for sure. I’ve been a daddy’s girl always and that’s why when I lost him I felt like an orphan, not literally coz my mom did step up and take care of most of the things but emotionally yes.

Like I’ve mentioned hundreds of times I loved my dad a lot and he loved me the most of all the siblings, atleast between me and elder sis I got the extra love and support, not including my brother coz he actually didn’t spend much time with dad, he was only 5-6 years old when dad passed away (something I should remember everytime I scold him heartlessly). So, he supported all my deeds, covered and ignored all my mistakes, unless they were blunders like this one and only once in my lifetime he slapped me coz I was back talking like a bitch and showing no respect for the man who had sleepless nights making sure I slept well and stood by me all night while we travelled in train to make sure I didn’t fall off the second berth.

After my dad was not around, I didn’t feel connected to my mom at all , rather even when he was around and i was in my rebellious teens I remember not talking to her for complete 2 months  after some bitter argument. There was a connection missing somewhere and in my mind I thought it was because she never fed me (don’t know if that’s the case). I felt so away from her, so distant and emotionally repelled. I never saw her concerned about me if I hurt myself or worried about me at all.

And now that I’m working and supporting the family, we hardly agree on anything at all (apart from cribbing about my sister’s spending habits). I have a own mind and thinking and she’s also got all cranky after the menopause thing and I have a hard time to have a sane 2 sentence conversation with her.

Its so bloody difficult and then I see / hear /read stuff about how mothers are the form of God on earth and feel soo guilty. I want to respect her but she’s lost that coz she was never a mother to me ever but now she’s talking to guys online and answering calls in slow-seducing voice and worst also clicking pictures of herself in low cut tops and sharing with strangers and when we try to stop her she says whats wrong with that I’m not taking money am not a whore.  So there goes the respect.

Then she’s always abusing my dad and that my friends hurts. I have done and said mean stuff to my dad because she pretended to be the innocent lamb and took advantage of my naive growing up mind. I hate her for that.

I try, I truly do and as much as I try to accept that she’s an individual and can believe in different things than myself somehow I can’t forgive her for not being the mother I wanted and still would want. Someone warm and loving. Someone wise and sensible (this one is soo never going to come to her).

Maybe even she had a different idea of a daughter but what she expresses is you should be like those slim and delicate girls and goes on to blaming my dad genes and blood.

I don’t know but I have a very hard time dealing with her. She is my mother, the only parent I have but why is this so difficult.

I either ignore her and keep away or just keep listing to her going on keep holding on to that shield against my heart and try so hard not to let her words from slicing my heart and butchering my emotions. Then there are times I drop the poison on her too and feel so emotionally exhausted coz I know I spit venom I’m angry and then guilty again.

Why can’t she be the nice mother, good and not hunting boys and shaming me? Why doesn’t she be a sensible acting-her-age type mother? Why don’t I connect to her? Why does she always say that her life would be so good if she never had kids with my dad?

It hurts to know you’re unwanted and seen as a regret and that you’re coming to this world has spoiled someones life and you hear it almost everyday. It hurts to hear abuses for the person who cared for me the most and whom i loved the most and now isn’t around to say ‘it’s ok’. It hurts to not have grown to accept the fact of your life. It hurts to still choke up while mentioning my dad after 7 years and still crying alone at nights thinking of him.

It hurts so much and this when it comes from a person I don’t feel connected to.

I guess this is the connection I have with my mother. HURT!

Just like the weather..

these days  being a mix of everything, I am also drifting between the cold chills mornings and sweaty heartless afternoons. Within a span of few hours, I am experiencing daydreaming, restlessness, anxiety, boredom and many other things..Its like a puzzle made from several other puzzles. 

I feel like I have less control over whats going on but the truth is I don’t want to take the reins in my hands coz then it would be me leading myself and I would be the reason being being wherever I am.

What I really want? I still have to find out. But my mind is not still to even go there. Its jumping around and playing away. I am scared of deciding, scared that I decide and know what I want and then do nothing about it. I couldn’t live with myself if that happens and the thing is that I know I will still live even if it happens,. So I’m delaying something that I don’t even know will happen or not. I sound like a ‘coward’ and that I know is not me.

There’s also some self-pity that I need to do away with. I know I fallback on it many times and now I should learn to stand by myself.  I want to keep myself busy and making a decision rather any decision is really nerve cracking for me.

Whats stopping me from the truth , I don’t know.

Hope the weather decides on something soon..hot or cold.

Why do you blog??

I started blogging when I had too much free time in my office and Internet was the only tool i had to my rescue.

I write whats on my mind. I write for myself, to get the baggage off my chest. I never intended there to be an audience to acknowledge me but when I did few comments coming in I was excited. My thoughts and blogs were read and that felt good. Although yes, without the anonymous identity this would have difficult (no, I’m no celebrity 🙂 ).

Why do you blog? For yourself? For the audience? Do you sometimes alter work writing thinking that this might not be too interesting to read?

How to forgive?

how do you let go of all the blame when you are still suffering from the after-effects of someone’s mistakes. Is their part over after saying sorry and leaving you in the turmoil of anger and pain and regret and confusion.

How i wish i knew. But being honest on your part does make your raise expectations high from the other one also. So what do i do now? Never be honest again? This hurts!

How do you move-on when in your heart you still blame them for all that happened and that you are suffering. 

Its a burden. On me. I need to learn to let go. 

Help me learn! Please!

Need some inspiration today

I need some inspiration to light up my soul. Something that stays with me like its lighting me up at all times.

 I listen to songs that make me believe in all my dreams. I sing aloud till I understand every word and really feel every word. I do this a couple of times and grow tired. The music starts irritating and the words leave me alone. The inspiration is lost and the feeling gone.

I try to read something that will make me wake up and sit straight. I try. Its not working right now, not for me. 

I need that thing which makes you realize that ‘its you’. That that makes you always be what you want to be and do what you want to do.

I need to believe, I want to believe.

I want to enjoy the cold wind on my cheeks, bring back the hope in my eyes , my heart dancing to the tunes of life and love and to see my dreams coming true. 

Maybe I have been doing ‘what I should’ for too long now, trying to learn how to save taxes like everyone says you should, worrying the hell out of myself about the things that don’t even matter to me, trying to do the ‘right thing’ and ignoring me.

What I need is inside just seems hazy right now. It the superficial that surfaces and is now building layers over me.

I will bring it back and soon. I will not live like dying.

I need me.

Changing Beliefs and me

I am a person with beliefs.  Most are by choice, few that I have inherited and many that I have seen around me and they have seeped into me. The inherited beliefs tell me which background, family and culture I come from, the chosen beliefs describe who I am as a person and my perception and nature but the ones that I am surrounded by and that have seeped shows what, I am not sure.

If you have seen something happen, be or work a certain way then you tend to believe that it is the right way, the way that is working right till now and will so in future. So how do new ways come in? What if you want to change that way and bring a new one?

I have been struggling with a few of these beliefs for some time now. And one of the major ones is ‘being slim’. As most of you know by now that I have a few extra inches that surround me and not protect me at all and I have been trying to get rid of it from a long time now (year and half). But here’s the thing, I have seen and heard that to change from the not-in-shape to in-shape you need to work out and take a healthy diet and really work out and I did and it did work for me. I lost some of the inches and looked slimmer than before but never got to being the typical ‘perfect-figure-slim’. And i did try a lot, I workedout like crazy, cut down my diet, gave up on the food I once loved and more than that I  believed I would get there, but i didn’t. I don’t know what went wrong and when. Also one thing always bothered me that is what happened after I  leave all this strenuous workout and diet? will I  get all the lost fat back? To look like what I  want, do I  have to kill myself like this forever? never get to eat what I want and live free? Its not the food it the freedom, freedom to be and live and be happy with me. 

Now after reading ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne, I  said this was the perfect way, to think happy thoughts and think that I  was already slim and perfect and I  would get it. Its been 2 months since I’m trying that, i’m not going to the gym, coz when I  go there all my thoughts are about ‘how much more weight and inches I  need to loose’ and that according to ‘The Secret’ will bring more situations where I  have to think of loosing fat. I tell myself everyday that ‘I am a sexy, slim and beautiful person’ and that ‘my waist is 26″ only’ and try to believe it but its really hard. I also eat everything I want and tell myself that ‘I can eat whatever I  want and my waist is still 26″ always’ and then comes doubt.

I’m trying to change these belief that workout is the only way. I want to think different so badly and yet those seeped thoughts are not leaving their roots. I want to change my belief about being in perfect shape. But how?  How do I tell myself that all I  see and hear and have know till now isn’t true and only what i want to believe is.

Its taking too much of me to bring this change and now I’m starting to doubt myself. So I’m trying to change, fighting my beliefs , fighting my doubts and waiting for some results to show. I hope this is worth it and I do get what I want!

Obama’s Inaugration speech; Thoughts

I stayed up till late yesterday to see the inaugural celebrations of Barack Hussein Obama.  My younger brother was the one most excited about it. He is 14 years old and stays miles away from studies and general knowledge, but somehow he too understood the importance of this historic event and the crowd were proof that this was no ordinary day.

His speech was true and real. He seemed like one of us, like you and me and looking at him it made a path to believe that you can be whatever you want, you just have to want it. He talked about the current situation and why did we reach where we are, he didn’t make fake promises but he did promise that we will all try. He said that this was time to come back to our roots and basics of honesty, loyalty, hardwork and humanity.

His mention of the various religions that combine to make America and his mention of ‘Hindu’ has moved many in India. Its not that he is aiding certain religion, but he recognized them. This is what we all want, don’t we? This is basic human nature, we want to be recognized not ignored, we want love and respect, we always give back what we get. He touched these simple feelings that were not acknowledged for a long time. Similarly, when he spoke of success and progress, he spoke in a language that everyone understood, from a children to elders . He said we have to think as one and work for our better, we have the strength and we need to pull ourselves up, dust off the dirt and get back to work.

What is really amazing about him is that, he is bringing ahead a ray of hope to this world. Even though I am not an American, i still feel his leadership will do good to this world. After all America is a powerful nation and directly and indirectly its decisions do impact other nations, and when it comes to developing nations, we all look ahead towards cooperation and prosperity, opportunities and world peace. In many ways the current situation was all about the fight for power, but now there is a hope for peace and love. Everywhere people in the world are now exhausted from trying to outdo each others and we all wanted some one to walk beside us, walk together towards progress and harmony.

Obama has lighted hopes in many a hearts today. May he lead to bring the changes that will make this light glow with pride and joy for America and the world. Amen!

Is this ‘MY LIFE’?

I  know I am here, breathing, seeing and sensing. It is me , in every scene, in all the doing, at every sound and of-course the being. But is this ‘My Life’ I cannot say. I sound selfish and may be I am, but I know I want happiness and that I deserve. Seconds and hours, days and nights, week & months, is this mine? I can’t seem to own it and neither control, its like I’m tied to a thread and all i can to is be told. I wasn’t very clear in the beginning but now i am, this is not ‘my life’ coz this is not who i am.

What if this was it and I didn’t even know? If time was passing by me and was busy alone. Am i sleeping with open eyes  or these are my dreams turning to nightmares, could i just get what i want or have i thrown it away? 

I fight to be me, to find myself everyday. If ‘my life’ is this then it is my ‘struggle’ everyday.

Diamonds for mom. :)

My family doesn’t really celebrate Christmas but yes we do make an effort to make use of the good and valid reason to celebrate. The celebration is sometimes for reasons and mostly without reasons, and in-spite this fact we all are really happy to enjoy a midnight cake piece and some good food and all this is mostly planned by my baby brother, for whom we have slipped many gifts for years with messages from Santa to ‘STUDY HARD’ but the only thing that got hard was ‘to make him study’.  Now he has grown up and knows it was us and he still loves to decorate the tree and have some fun. So this year was again the same, some cake and goodies and then we watched a Disney movie till late, woke up late the next morning and by mid-noon got out of the house to visit some malls and look at the decorations around.

I did mention that I got an a yearly appraisal and bonus, though haven’t really received it in my account (will on 31st Dec) but yes i told mom she could buy some stuff for herself from the bonus money. She is very fond of ‘DIAMONDS’ and although we were amongst the rich people when dad was around, i don’t know why she didn’t buy them. Anyways, so we went to the mall and were looking around the jwellery counters, we found some really nice earrings and there was some good offers going on so we asked mom to buy the jewellery. She was bit skeptical ( as usual) and said we should think about it and that the money was much more than my bonus amount and we should inquire about the brand and blah blah blah. But me and sis convinced her that all was good and if would do away worth some of her old jewellery that she hardly wears she could take this. She was confused but said yes, so we got her a pair of diamond earrings, a diamond and gold ring (on which we got a great off and looked fabulous on my hand too) and then a free diamond pendant (that we still need to collect, as they were finished with the stock). So she was sooo happy. I think I have been hearing this from childhood, mom would always tell us ” You gonna get mummy Big Big Diamond earnings when you grow up?” and we would say ‘Yes mummy’. She always told that to me, sis and even my brother. I don’t know if it was the materialism that she wanted Diamonds or it was her way of reminding us not to forget about her when we have enough for ourselves. I think she always looked at the materialistic side of it and she didn’t realize that her heart wanted to keep her babies close to her and always love her, i think she still doesn’t realize that how important we are to her, coz she always shows that we are not (except for my brother).

Anyways so we did get her the Big Diamonds earrings ( only one big coz they are average big), even though she had to pool in but feels good to have contribute to that. So i guess this means that we love her a lot even after growing up(I’m not comfortable with that word) being independent.

Our won ways.

A family means to me the people who are connected together, by love & care. A group of people who take care of each other and no matter how wrong you might go are always there to take you back in and always help you.

My family is at a very new place. We were all taught the same values, but now we are branching to make our own values. There is difference in thoughts, gaps in perspectives, everyone has a word of their own and no one wants to listen.

I know we become individuals and take different paths, but the roots are the same, so how come we don’t understand each other any more. I don’t feel good about this. And every time i try i get so angry. I just don’t get them and what they want and need. 

In choosing our own ways of life, we are not able to hold onto each other. It scares me to death that what if someday i don’t recognize them, who they are, and not just me even they. I know I’m a bit stubborn but then i would never want anything but the best for them. Why is it so difficult and why can’t i find security? Maybe coz they are all i have left and i can’t let go. I just hope i know how to take this carefully so that i don’t hurt anyone and all are happy and together.

Amen!